Happy Anniversary!

Most married men dread this word, ‘anniversary’. The reason: this word alone has the power to empty their pockets, sometimes even their year’s savings. From expensive sarees to chic jewellery to sometimes expensive holidays, a man has to bear it all for the sake of just one word—anniversary.

Husbands are not born, but made, most often by overwhelming circumstances. Some are a result of an awkward commitment given at a weak moment, some result from wry faces made by aggressive mothers and girl-friends. The moment he ties the knot, the spectre of anniversary starts haunting him. For the rest of his life, he has to live with this dread. The moment one anniversary gets over the exhausted husband is bombarded with plans for the next anniversary. And the husband gets sucked into this quagmire from where he can never come out.

Let us take a look at a few husbands from the past who succumbed to the anniversary demands of their fanciful wives.

Adam—he existed when a moneyed economy was not in practice. That’s why he couldn’t even buy Eve anything on their anniversary. Ultimately, Eve went ahead and stole the fruit that her husband couldn’t buy her. The result—mankind would be thrown out of the Garden of Eden, to face the hardships of life. The same Eden Garden would produce another troubled husband many thousands years later, Sourav Ganguly.

Lord Rama—he is one man who has inspired generations of Indian men with his strict morals and bravery. But did he have a demanding wife? Oh yes, he did! While they were in Dandakaranya, Sita once saw a golden deer. Very much like a cabaret dancer of Bollywood films, the deer enticed Sita so much that she demanded that the deer be hers. Going by their financial condition, Rama knew that he can’t afford such an expensive anniversary gift, so he tried to reason with his wife, albeit in vain. Finally, Lord Rama went out to fetch the deer and the rest is history. One anniversary gift made him fight an entire war with Lanka. History has never known another instance when a gift resulted in such a huge scale destruction.

Mark Anthony—he was the trusted general of the Roman Emperor, Augustus Caesar. But he had an aggressive and equally demanding wife in the person of Cleopatra. She demanded Rome as her anniversary gift. The hapless Mark Anthony agreed. The result: Mark Anthony killed himself and Cleopatra got her final kiss from a poisonous asp.

Shah Jahan—this man had a tasteful wife. And she demanded that even after her death, the Emperor should remember her and make an expensive mausoleum in her memory. Shah Jahan spent twenty years making it. And it turned out to be a gift that would bleed the Mughal treasury white. Till today, poor husbands spend their hard-earned money to take their wives to the monument of love, the Taj Mahal.

The Crocodile of Panchatantra—if you have forgotten then he was the gullible chap who had a monkey friend who used to give him sweet berries to eat everyday. The uxorious Mr. Crocodile would take some for his wife too. On their anniversary, Mrs. Crocodile demanded that she be brought the heart of the monkey, which must have turned sweet due to the regular eating of the berries. And you know what happened after that.

Saahil Hemant Virani—he had a nagging woman for his wife, Tripty. He was a poor man who couldn’t even buy her kachoris on their anniversary. He almost sank into never-ending depression when his first wife, Ganga came back, with her riches. Once again, Saahil could afford anniversaries.

Sourav Ganguly—the Prince of Kolkata was the terror of many a bowler in his heyday. Women would swoon whenever he stepped out to lift a spinner to the stands. But a veteran of many anniversaries now, he looks like a tired husband on field, waiting for his next pay-cheque.

From the above discussion, we have found out how anniversaries can ruin a man’s peace of mind. But still, there is more to a marriage than just anniversaries. Aggressive mothers-in-law, timid fathers-in-law, and parasitic relations are the other problems to contend with. So, if your worst enemy is living under the aforementioned conditions, perhaps you could just throw a smile and wish him on his very special day, a very Happy Anniversary!

Open Letter to Ashutosh Gowariker on Jodhaa Akbar

Janaab Ashutosh Gowariker Sahab,

Adaab arz hai! Congratulations for making another epic, money-grossing presentation with Jodhaa Akbar! It seems your long wait after the box office disaster, Swades, has proved to be fruitful. Even your enemies would agree that your style is unique, for you have the audacity to blatantly commit factual errors of all sorts. And you are absolutely in no mood to change your approach, are you? Jodhaa Akbar is perhaps your way of showing the finger to your history teacher in school who always reprimanded you in public for getting your facts wrong (I guess). Apart from soulful music and one song sequence that looks like a Boogie Woogie style dance contest (Azeem o shan shahenshah), Jodhaa Akbar looks like one very long (almost four hours), flashy ad film. Kudos to you for successfully frustrating the hopes of history buffs like me, who expected for once that you can handle a period film with élan!

There were quite a few things in the movie that startled me. Firstly, Akbar has been shown as a fair-skinned, lanky figure; history says he was quite dark, of middle height and of robust build. But your idea behind it was brilliant (I guess). Your Akbar is a metro-sexual man who uses fairness cream to woo beautiful Rajput girls. Secondly, Akbar goes topless in a particular scene as he does a Bruce Lee act with a sword in hand, while a voyeuristic Jodhaa ogles at him from a corner. In an age when even men were fully clothed, Akbar doing a Salman Khan act was a tad surprising. What was more surprising was Jodhaa Bai ogling at her husband, as the zenana (women’s apartments) was always separate from the akhada (military practice ground).

But at the same time, I liked the way you exploited male sexuality to register a ‘first’ in Bollywood. While Akbar went topless, his brother-in-law, Sharifuddin Hussain, almost did a Full Monty. And while in the theatre, I could hear a lot of suppressed feminine hoots around me. You deserve all praise for having thought about the grossly ignored Indian female audience.

Another thing that I liked about your movie was the heavy influence of K-serials. Maham Anga poisons Akbar’s mind about Jodhaa having an affair with a paraya mard: and the Emperor of India tearfully bids adieu to his wife and sends her back to her maayka, only to get her back after the pangs of separation became unbearable. I loved the way Hamida Bano (Akbar’s mother) blew the cover on the scheming Maham Anga (a la Tulsi Virani of Kyunki...you know what), thereby rescuing the couple from singing boring songs of heartbreak, and the viewers from having to bear them.

The sword fight sequence between Akbar and Jodhaa was amazing! It was heavily inspired by a similar sequence from The Mask of Zorro, between Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones. I hope it actually happened that way in 16^th century India; duelling was otherwise quite popular in Europe.

I also loved the way Sujamal (Jodhaa’s brother) tries to make it back to the Mughal camp like a true prodigal son, but Sharifuddin’s men shoot him down. He somehow makes it to deliver that ultimate tear-jerking performance that falls flat on the audience. And just like the cops in Hindi cinema, Jodhaa enters the scene after the action gets over but manages to give a few tearful parting shots.

Overall, I believe Jodhaa Akbar is a good movie. People have watched this movie and liked it because of the amazing onscreen chemistry that Hrithik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai share. So, what if it is factually incorrect here and there? After all, this is a country that has always refused to learn lessons from history. The numerous romantic engravings on historical monuments in India bear testimony to the fact that people here are more concerned about love than history. With Jodhaa  Akbar, you have proved that point indubitably. 

I am eagerly waiting for your next movie venture. It should be on politics, as I feel it is one subject that everyone in India likes to talk about but is not bothered by it. You can take ample liberties with the subject then also.

Best regards,

Lord Mani (a disgruntled movie fanatic)

Satte Pe Satte: Redefined

Yes, I am talking about the hit movie of the ‘80s, starring Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Amjad Khan, Sachin, Ranjita and a host of other actors. This movie was entirely based on an old Hollywood classic, Seven Wives for Seven Brothers. Surprisingly, the Hollywood original had more songs than the Bollywood version of the film. I thought about modifying the story, some of the songs and dialogues of this movie.

Scene I—when Amitabh and his brothers go to abduct their girlfriends

Instead of Amitabh and the guys, it is Hema Malini who goes to get the girls, after she comes to know that the boys love them, but do not have the courage to express their love. She gives a revolutionary speech on women’s liberation, and how living together is the birthright of every Indian woman. She succeeds in convincing them to move in with the guys. It is Hema Malini who brings the girls into the house. All the men sulk and complain to Hema Malini that their privacy has been breached. Instead, they are driven to one corner of the house, and the rest of the house becomes some sort of a Mahila Morcha.

Scene II—when everyone sings the title song

Instead of making the Satte Pe Satta song a fun one, we make it one of brand endorsements and betting in cricket. “Gucci pe Gucci ho, ya satte pe satta (betting), gaur se dekha jaaye to bas hain patte pe patta (game of cards), koi farak nehi albatross (sea food brand), koi farak nehi albatross”. Amjad Khan owns a cricket betting ring, and does not like this publicity song. He, therefore, decides to take action.

Scene III— when Amitabh goes to meet Amjad Khan

Instead of offering alcohol to Amitabh, Amjad Khan offers him water. Amjad Khan is a clever businessman and does not like wasting resources over fools like Amitabh. Amitabh is a diabetic and does not like to drink water. Still, out of courtesy, he drinks several glasses of water. Every time he has a glass, he tells Amjad Khan, “paani peene se susu aata hain”. After having drinking so much water, he feels the urge to pee, and rushes to the toilet. Amjad Khan locks him from outside and thus, Amitabh is captured.

Scene IV—when Babu replaces Ravi in the household and tries to kill Ranjeeta

Instead of using a dagger, Babu carries with him a tape of K-serials by Ekktaa Kapoor. He locks Ranjeeta in the TV room and plays the tape. Ranjeeta cannot bear the visual torture, and in desperation, runs out of the room: only to realise later that she could walk again! She profoundly thanks Ekktaa Kapoor for making her do it by hugging and kissing the tape, while Babu sulks and swears on Ekktaa from a distance.

Scene V—when Babu and Ravi meet

They realise that they are brothers separated in the Kumbha Mela. Hence they make a vow that they will be together always and share everything between them. Thus, when the movie ends, it is difficult to find out who Hema Malini’s husband is and who is Ranjeeta’s. Both of them deliver the ending dialogue together: “Hum do hamare do (pati)”.

Cricket in 2019

From our sports desk:

The whole of India is burning effigies of Indian cricketers after the team failed to qualify for the World Cup 2019 to be held in Papua New Guinea. In a close match against Afghanistan, the Indian team was bundled out for a mere twenty-three runs. Chasing Afghanistan’s score of twenty-nine runs, the Indian team required thirty-runs from fifty overs with ten wickets in hand. Before the start of the Indian innings, the commentators predicted that 2019 is the thirtieth year of Sachin Tendulkar’s cricketing career, and that the target of thirty is auspicious. Pundits even speculated that India will finally lift the cup this year. The nation’s hopes have been shattered with this defeat.

When we spoke to the Indian coach, Virender Sehwag, he said that he is not happy at the way media has hyped it. He said that losing is also a part of the game. When we asked him how he feels about these routine defeats that the Indian team is facing for the last many years, he replied, “ab to aadat si hain mujhko aise jeene mein”.

What was noteworthy in this match was the tussle on the field between father and son, Sachin and Arjun Tendulkar. Both ended up throwing away their wickets, a fact that contributed to India’s shameful defeat. Rahul Dravid, the coach of Bangladesh, said in a press conference that it is high time Sachin retires from cricket and captaincy and makes way for his son to become the captain. Sachin retorted back by saying that when all his former team-mates have retired from cricket, he is still in a good nick and is the captain of his team. The Grand Old man of Indian cricket, Kapil Dev, backed the Indian captain by saying that even after his two cataract surgeries and a persistent problem of arthritis, Sachin Tendulkar is leading Team India as an old (and tired) war horse.

We spoke to Sourav Ganguly a.k.a Lord Snooty, the coach of the England team about the current crisis in the Indian team. He feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field.

Former cricketer, model and failed Bollywood actor turned film producer, Yuvraj Singh, said that he is upset with the way boys are playing. Speaking about Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s latest world record for the maximum number of consecutive ducks in one-day internationals (20), Yuvraj Singh said that he (Dhoni) should seriously think about moving ahead of Brylcreem ads and making a foray into Bollywood.

We spoke to the former Indian cricketer and manager of Team India, Ravi Shastri about the future of Indian cricket. Now known as Sri Sri Ravi “Sahasra Stree” Maharaj, this cricketer turned spiritual Guru said that the Indian cricketers need to be taught the art of seduction. He gave his own example how in the ‘80s he had affairs with a lot of women and how that improved his cricket.

The BCCI led by President Rahul Gandhi has now called for an emergency meeting to decide the future course of action. Team India will be represented by Coach Virender Sehwag and Captain Sachin Tendulkar. Rahul Gandhi stated in a press release earlier that the BCCI is planning to employ experts from the Javed Miandad School of Cricketing Thought to teach the cricketers some aggression.

In another development, Pakistan defeated Ireland in a close match, thereby qualifying for the 2019 World Cup. With this victory, Pakistan has avenged their 2007 defeat at the hands of the then minnows Ireland. We spoke to the then captain of Pakistan and present coach, Inzamam ul Haq about this victory. He said: “The boys plays very well. They try hard. Inshallah we lifts the World Cup.”

**Inspired by an Internet joke**

Date with Time: Interview with Aurangzeb Alamgir

As I checked my watch, it was quarter past three in the afternoon. “Have I arrived before time?”—I asked the Ahadi soldier standing next to me. He said I was lucky to be allowed entrance to the Diwan-i-Khas, before court time. He stared at my watch for a long time, and asked me what kind of zevar that was. He was rather surprised when I told him that it was a timepiece. I, being a man from the future, had become an object of curiosity in the medieval city of Delhi. Everyone seemed to be interested in meeting the desi babu in angrez clothes, a man who spoke fluent Hindustani and English, and who also carried a bunch of karamati goods with which he did magic. The other day, I was mobbed when I went to Paranthewali Gali at Chandni Chowk. Everyone wanted to touch me and talk to me. I was saved by His Majesty’s personal bodyguards, the Ahadis, when they took me away with them. Ever since then, Mirza Raja Jai Singh, the Emperor’s most trusted officer, has barred me from going out of the Red Fort alone. Actually, I haven’t seen much of the Mirza ever since I taught him to play ‘Solitaire’ card game on my laptop.

I patiently waited for the Emperor to come down for the interview. I was told by the Mir Bakshi (the paymaster of the Empire) that His Exalted Highness is offering the namaz-i-maghrib (the namaz of Maghrib) and would arrive shortly. I looked around the place. It was grander than I had imagined. The most decorative tapestries adorned the walls of the Hall of Private Audience (Diwan-i-Khas). The ceiling was done in gold, with diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds giving it a lustrous look. On the right hand corner of the wall, was inscribed in Persian, Amir Khusraw’s famous couplet, “gar firdaus bar ru-i-zameen ast, hamin ast o hamin ast o hamin ast” (if there is a paradise on earth, it is this, it is this, none but this). In the centre of the room, was placed the legendary Takht-i-Taus (Peacock Throne).

At this point, Mirza Raja Jai Singh entered. We had a brief chat. The Emperor wanted him to be present during the interview. We were alerted by the court crier, announcing the arrival of the Emperor. “Ba adab ba mulhaiza hoshiyaar! Sultan ibn-i-Sultan, Shahenshah-i-Hindustan, Chiragh-i-nasl-i-Timur, Huzoor Gulnoor, Fakhr-i-Baburi, Jalal-i-Akbari, Zill-i-Illahi, Hazrat Abul Muzaffar Muhiuddin Muhammad Aurangzeb Alamgir Bahadur Badshah Ghazi, Darbar-i-Mughalia mein raunaq afroz ho rahe hain! (“Attention everyone: Sultan son of Sultan, Emperor of Hindustan, torchbearer of the dynasty of Timur, Lord of the land, Pride of Babur, Majesty of Akbar, Shadow of the God on Earth, Lord Abul Muzaffar Muhiuddin Muhammad Aurangzeb Alamgir, the brave Emperor and slayer of infidels, by God’s grace, is making his exalted presence in the court”)

Everyone in the court bowed as His Majesty entered the court and ascended the throne. He looked at me and beckoned me to come in front of him. I trembled inside for a moment: I was standing in front of the most powerful man in the world in the seventeenth century. Although I come from a democratic society, yet being in his court, I was at the mercy of Lord Alamgir.

“Huzoor ka iqbal bulund ho” (May the sun shine upon His Exalted Highness)—I did sijdah (bowing) before him. “Tashreef rakhiye”—he asked me to sit down.

“Sire, if you would permit me, I would like to record our conversation on tape. It is important.” He did not properly understand what I meant and gave me a confused look. I took out the I-pod and placed it between us. He stared at the object for a while. “In the name of Imam Zamin, please tell what this object is.” I told him that it is a recorder cum player and has many features. I turned it on and recorded His Majesty’s voice and played it back to him. “Subhan Allah! Subhan Allah! This is Allah’s magic!”—he cried out in utter amazement…so did everyone else present. The Emperor ordered Sharbat-i-Azam to be brought in. Sipping the delicious drink, I put my first question to His Majesty.

“Sire, ours is a lifestyle magazine, so my first question will be on your lifestyle. How do you think your lifestyle is different from your predecessors and contemporaries?”

“I don’t see any fundamental difference. Our circumstances influence our lifestyle. We Emperors are busy people. Right now, we are in the midst of troubled times. The Marathas under Shivaji are creating trouble in the Deccan, while the Ahoms and the Koches in the eastern frontier are becoming rebellious. I cannot have a pompous lifestyle when the Empire is in trouble. I think my contemporaries elsewhere are having a less troubled life. They are living a life of luxury, I must say.”

“Your Majesty, people say that you do not have a sense of fashion, that you lead an austere life. What do you have to say about that?”

“I think people are correct here! I am not a very fashionable man. I am a soldier and a faqir at the same time. I do not like heavy clothes, although I do wear ceremonial attires whenever the occasion arises. Otherwise, I prefer Muslin clothes. I specially get them from Dhaka.” The Emperor seemed to be a simple man; but he did have a good taste. He is of average height and has a lighter frame, and I guess, would look good in any dress. He has bright, intelligent eyes, and looks at everyone intently: a fact that sends shivers down the spines of many a battle-hardened soldier. They say Alamgir is invincible in battle.

“Your Majesty, you have recently discontinued the practice of jharokha darshan, which your predecessors had started and followed zealously. Your critics are of the view that you have done this, as you think it is a Hindu practice and you hate Hindus. Your comments please.”

“I haven’t discontinued the jharokha darshan because of any religious reason. The reason is purely political. I had to fight a bloody war of succession with my brothers even when Ala Hazrat (Shah Jahan) was alive. He was unwell and could not come for jharokha darshan, a fact that created suspicion in the minds of our noble subjects that Badshah Salamat was dead. I would not want my children to follow the same path.”

“I see. But Sire, many of your rivals are of the view that you have a terrible hatred for Hindus and do not allow Hindu officers in your government to occupy important offices. Is this true?”

“I certainly do not agree with this view. An Emperor could be a Hindu or a Muslim in his private life; but when he ascends the throne, his riyaya (subjects) becomes his children. You should know that 33% of our officers are Hindus. None of my predecessors had so many non-Muslims in the bureaucracy.”

“Sire, you have recently imposed jaziya tax on your non-Muslim subjects. There is large-scale discontent in your empire because of this. Why are you trying to reverse the policies of your predecessors? Don’t you think this will destroy the fine fabric of the Mughal Empire?”

“I have imposed jaziya on my non-Muslim subjects on economic grounds. When I came to power, I found the treasury almost empty. Ala Hazrat had spent a lot of money in architectural works. Besides, the Balkh-Badakshan campaign, and the Kandahar campaigns during Ala Hazrat’s reign consumed a lot of our resources. Without imposing taxes upon my subjects, I could not really have run the administration of this country effectively for a long time. Besides, jizya has been imposed only on the non-Muslim able-bodied men who refuse state service. It is not collected from women, children, old men and people with disabilities. The Mughal state collects compulsory zakat, ushr, sadaqah, fitrah and khum from its Muslim subjects, which are much higher than jizya. They are not collected from non-Muslims. My subjects do not have a problem with that. All these rumours are being spread by the Marathas and other dissenters.”

The Emperor’s answer made me fumble for a moment. I have always read in history books that Aurangzeb was a monster who tortured Hindus and made them pay jaziya. What the Emperor said gave an entirely different picture. I looked towards Mirza Jai Singh for confirmation…and he gave me a look of approval. I continued with our conversation.

“Zill-i-Illahi, why did you keep Emperor Shah Jahan under house-arrest for eight years?”

“Circumstances forced me to do it. Ala Hazrat had arranged for my assassination by Turkish slave girls. He never legitimised my claim on the throne and wanted Dara Bhai to succeed him. He went in for a series of intrigues against me. I had no other option but to put him under house arrest. I wish he had accepted me. I would have had no need to kill Dara Bhai then.”

The conversation had become too political and I realised that the Emperor might lose interest in it soon. I decided to change the track of the conversation.

“Sire, tell us something about your love life. You had an arranged marriage with Dilras Bano Begum. How have been your relations with her?”

“Dilras Bano has been a dutiful wife. She is a Safavid princess and has all the princess-like qualities. She is the mother of two of my favourite sons, Mirza Akbar and Muhammad Azam. I have good relations with her.”

“But Sire, I have heard that you had fallen deeply in love with a Hindu lady named Hira Bai Zainabadi. Could you tell us something about it?”

“I think it is all too personal. Can we talk about something else?”—the Emperor looked uncomfortable.

History says that Aurangzeb fell hopelessly in love with Hira Bai Zainabadi. She was a trained musician and the Emperor used to spend long hours listening to her music. She, however, died young and left the Emperor heart-broken. This left a deep wound in his heart that never healed, for the Emperor shunned music from his life forever.

“Alampanah, let me rephrase it. It is said that you have banned music in your empire because you are a bigot. Do you think Hira Bai’s death has anything to do with it?”

“This is rubbish! I have banned music only in my court. That is because my courtiers spend a lot of time drinking and watching courtesans/musicians perform. That is why I have banned it in my court. However, I have also raised the mansabs and salaries of my court musicians for not playing music. Some of my subjects have misread it. I have not imposed any restrictions on them. And let me tell you, this has nothing to do with Hira Bai.”

“But Sire, you yourself are an accomplished veena player. Why such an aversion to music then?”

“It is a matter of personal choice. I would not like to comment more on this.”

“All right, Sire. Let us talk about your conflict with the Marathas under Shivaji. Why is the Emperor of Hindustan fighting unnecessarily with such a small kingdom? Does it suit His Majesty’s standard”?

“The Maratha problem is not a small problem as you think. I personally admire Shivaji. He is a great warrior and general. He has scope for improvement, though. And that can only happen if he accepts Mughal service. He is trying to imitate Mughal customs, but has not been very successful with it. I am willing to give him a high mansab if he should accept state service. We already have Marathas serving in the imperial army. If he (Shivaji) joins us, both the imperial government and Maharashtra will benefit.”

“All right, Your Majesty. What do you think of the young generation?”

“I do not have a high opinion about the young generation. My own sons are slackers of the highest order. Now, look at Azam. He is the Subahdar of Bengal, but spends most of his summer time in Kashmir. The youngsters today do not like to obey their parents. Allah save this country!”

At that time, the bell of public justice rang, which meant that it was the time for the Emperor to leave for the Diwan-i-Aam to hear petitions. This meant that my interview was almost over. Still, I managed to chip in one final question. I asked him for his vision of Hindustan’s future.

“By the grace of Allah, the compassionate and the merciful, Hindustan would become the most powerful mulk under the benign rule of the Mughal Government. The sun will never set on the Mughal Empire.”

As I retired to the time machine, the taste of the sharbat still lingered on. On any day, it would score over the Pepsis and Cokes of my time. It was a memorable experience talking to the last great name of the House of Timur. “This will make a great story”—I murmured to myself. But just when I pressed the ignition button, I suddenly realised that I forgot to collect my laptop from Mirza Jai Singh. This forgetful nature of mine would land me on dire straits someday. Now, I will have to go back in time to get it. But it won’t be too much of a loss, though. I am sure after this story, my boss would gift me one! I am going back to my time…the 21^st century India.

Controversy over Islam

The following are two posts that came as a response to an article on Amitabh Bachchan on our office blog. The first post here is a comment by a person named Shahid Jalal from Pakistan. I have lifted it ditto from our blog and pasted it here. He has invited Amitabh Bachchan to accept Islam. Read on to know what he is up to.

The second post was my response to his comment. I have replied as Shahryar Khan, a journalist from New Delhi, India. Have fun reading it!

Invitation towards Islam
to Amitab Bachan.

Sir,
I am going to invite you to religion Islam.
i think in this world every one is realize that what is his distination where will he go. do little think bit that how is the day converted to night and night to day.
sun is rising in the morning and then get down in the evening. think about Amrish poori who was yesterday with you but today he is not available where go his wealth his respect what is his Anjam.my English is not very well that's why i would like to type in Hindi prounciation.
Agar App Molve Tariq Jamil jo Pakistani hay uski taqareer wali CD's Sunlay apko buhut information ajagee.

Sir, Is Dunyia ko bananay wala koi hay app jo is bagwan ki Ibadat karthay ho ap is kay baray may sochay key Ieh bechara to matti ka bana howa aik putla hai ye kiya karsakayga.
Plz khafa mat hona.

laiken aik din aiga jo kayamat ka din hoga ur wo din 50000 years key barabar hoga aur wo hesab kitab ka din hoga. os din suraj zamin say aik mile key distance per hoga.
aur sab insaniat jo start say lay key kayamat tak Aingay sab zinda hojaingay. aur sab log apnay Pasinay may dubay hongay. yeh main apnay app say nahi bolta balkay yeh to Mera Rab Allah Apnay Akhri kitab Quran majeed may farmatha hay.
es juti Izzat aur shuhrat per duka mat kao yeh teray marnay ki sat khatam hojaingey fiker agar karni hay to mot keh bad jo zindagi hay os key baray mai socho.
wo buhut sakht din hoga laiken jo is dunya may Allah ko razi karingay wo os din Allah keh Arsh key nichay hongay. Aur Allah keh Mehman Hongay.
App Zara Dr. Zakir Naik ko bhi study karay.
app ko kis nay banay kio banay kia maqsad hay zara socha.

Allah App ko Musalman honay ke Hidayat day.

Shahid Jalal

Shahid miyaan, Assalaam o Alaikum! Islam aur Hinduism, in dono mazhabon ke baare mein jo aapki raai hain, woh qabil-e-tareef hain! Mashallah, kya roshan khayalat hain aap kay! Nacheez ki yeh raai hain ki aap apne falsafe, aawaaz-e-buland mein Radio Karachi ke zariye bayaan karein!

Ae mere roshan dimaagh dost, koi bhi insaan chaahe Hindu ya Mussalman, agar aap ke roshan khayalat ke rubaru aa jaaye to maare hasi ke mar jaaye. Amitabh Bachchan sahib ko aap Mussalman kyun banana chaahte hain? Woh jaise hain, shukr-i-Allah, durust hain. Mussalman ka matlab bhi jaante hain aap? Mussalman sirf Islam qabool karne se nehi banta; Mussalman wohi hota hain jiska imaan mussallam hota hain. Mere khayal se Bachchan sahib ek aise shaqs hain jinka imaan mussallam hain!

Doosri baat, kisi bhi mazhab ko neechi nigaahon se dekhna Islam ke khilaaf hain! Allah ke Rasool ne yehi sikhaya tha sabko. Aap shayad abhi tak Islam ko samajh hi nehi paaye hain!

Aakhir mein aap se ek guzaarish karna chahunga. Apna mazaak banane se pehle soch lijiyega ki aap kya kehne jaa rahe hain.

Allah aapko insaaniyat se nawaaze!

Fi Amanillah! Allah Hafiz!

Shahryar Khan

An Affair To Remember

At a time when moral policing brigades have almost threatened the freedom of speech and expression in India, Baba Films & Sounds have made a commendable effort to raise the banner of revolt against censorship. I got acquainted with these crusaders when I chanced upon one of their offerings, a compilation of old South Indian porn movies dubbed into Hindi. I was buying some DVDs from a popular video shop when the owner offered me a free sample of their hard work. He rather surprised me (pleasantly, of course!) when he said that if I returned it after watching it, he would give me “better” stock. Their modus operandi is brilliant! The DVD doesn’t carry any label, and that makes it difficult to know what exactly it contains. But the moment you play it, you are introduced to a fascinating world of half-naked pot-bellied men and butt-naked, top-heavy women with Dara Singh thighs and Sachin Tendulkar shoulders. The collection has four movies, aptly named Bol Gori Bol, Jungle Mein Mastiyan, Kamuk Kunwari Ladkiyan, and Manchala Masti Mein-I.

If you are yet to watch this mind-blowing collection then you are surely missing something! After all, in which porn movie will you have to wait for twenty-eight minutes to see the first flashes of exposed skin? In which porn movie will you see a full Bollywood-style song and dance sequence? Where will you find over-weight couples making out with closed eyes, trying to recreate the magic that bound Dhritarashtra and Gandhari together ages ago? Where else will you find actors flaunting their under-garments along with their over-grown asses? It happens only in India! We have the God-bestowed quality to make an ordinary porn film look like an extended Iodex ad (with all the random “Ooh! Aah! Ouch!”). Watching Indi-porn is fun!

All throughout, I had violent fits of laughter. Sample this: “Shanti, jhuke bina koi kaam nehi kar sakti”—an old lady taunting the maid-servant for exposing too much to her horny husband. Try another one: a blind man expresses his desire to have mangoes to a damsel. The lady, out of pity for the wretched creature says to herself: “ab iss mausam mein aam kahan se laaoon? Aisa karti hoon, yehi chooswa leti hoon” (“how do I get mangoes in this season? I think I should make him enjoy my natural mangoes”). What follows is a heart-rending scene where the hapless guy innocently sucks on what he believes to be mangoes. I was moved to tears while going through the scene. Such blatant portrayal of ignorance (oops! innocence) was simply brilliant! Who can do it better but us, the innovative Indians? Shame on those Westerners who think Indians can’t “do it” on tape! In fact, we do it better than anybody else, for we have produced one-sixth of humanity in our bed-rooms with our riotous, close-eyed love-making ways. Indi-porn glorifies our concept that love is blind!

I must say that the compilers have done a commendable job in bringing out the collection in the market. I should also compliment the makers of the original, non-dubbed versions of the movies. They deserve a standing ovation, for they managed to get Censor Board certificates, when mainstream movies like Water and Fire failed to get one, although they had little or no nudity. But I guess it was the creative content of the porn movies that won the Censor Board over. The banality of films like Water and Fire are too well-known.

Check out these movie collections at a local shop near you, if you want to know how we Indians transform the art of love-making to a bout of Sumo wrestling. This is a notable fact given that ours is the land where the Kamasutra was written. Watching this collection will definitely be an affair to remember for you!