Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy

Wannabe Page 3 reporter Khudawand Raam sneaked into an important event in the city recently. It was the mahurat of the most talked about yet-to-be-released film in recent times—Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy. The concept of the film has already generated so much public interest that the mahurat was thronged by a plethora of politicians, journalists and nurses. Our reporter was intrigued by the presence of the nurses, for this fraternity is hardly represented in other media events. Without much ado, the scribe was able to get all the answers to his questions (almost all).

This film has been produced by the Nurses’ Union of India. One of their union leaders, Joylakshmi by name, has written the script as well as played the lead role in the film. Directed by a politician named Raunak-chori Chori (who plays the male protagonist), this movie promises to be an entertaining thriller, as it will draw elements from Malayalam porn films, song-dance sequences from Bollywood blockbusters, and suspense and action from Hollywood thrillers. (Click here for the details of the movie)

All was going well until the start of the press conference. The heroine told the press that ever since the movie was shot, she is getting threatening calls from the hero for the distribution rights of the film. She said she will not part with the rights over her film since it’s her baby. Two months’ back, she had contemplated suicide because she failed to find distributors who would buy her tale. She said that her modesty was violated when they refused to believe that the movie poster that she had designed was authentic and not trick photography. She has now approached the State Women's Commission for justice, but is sceptical about receiving the same. She also said that Raunak-chori Chori has been forcing her to marry him against her wishes. She was on the verge of tears when she demanded sexual freedom, the freedom to screw any man she liked without getting entangled in the wedding web. It was an emotional scene, for almost everyone in the audience was moved to the point of tears. After gulping down her emotions, Joylakshmi finally said: “I will release a CD soon to establish my relationship with Raunak-chori Chori”. The whole atmosphere reverberated with the slogans of “Jai Joylakshmi”, raised by the nurses and other feminists. The hero, Raunak-chori Chori, was not available for comment. This was because the State Women’s Commission (his PR?) strongly advised him not to talk to the press.

The reporter asked some of the dignitaries present in the event about how they felt about the movie. Hush Chopra, the owner of Hush Hush Productions had this to say: “This is a landmark event. We are all waiting eagerly for the CD to be released. We are fed up of monotonous porn movies; this movie promises excitement and entertainment at the same time. We are trying to negotiate with Joylakshmi for broadcasting rights of the movie.”

Adnan Semi, the semi-singer cum semi-actor cum semi-pianist, was very pleased with the poster idea. “This is an inspiring movie! This will give all those fat and ugly people out there a new ray of hope…that even they can have rocking sex, and that it only takes two grotesque pairs of lips to deliver that sensational kiss! One of my support staff has downloaded the movie poster and set it as desktop wall-paper. Every day we worship Joylakshmi and draw strength from her example. Jai Joylakshmi!”

Everyone in the audience went ga-ga over the poster and the story. Our scribe has therefore, decided to attach a “moist-watch” tag on this movie. Watch out for Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy in a theatre near you!

Bugular Vein: with Bug Suraiya

I spent months in the UP political arena, accessing secret government papers, and memos and letters exchanged between political leaders. The following report is based on an internet chat transcript I managed to get hold off. It is between Malign Singh Yadav, the erstwhile Chief Minister of Unruly Pradesh (UP), Kumari Mewawati, the present CM of UP, Hammer Singh, strong man of SP and Reject Sharma, the owner of India TV, via Yahoo! Messenger. It might appear scandalous. It actually is.

The chat transcripts can be found below.

its_malign.singh: i m shockd 2 c dat report on ur channel. u hv actualy blackend d image of our party. will nt tk dis litely. plz b prepared 4 action. :-X

rjct_sharma_niceguy: u hv bin calld as da “man who squandrd 2 mch public money”. dey say dat you wasted a lot of money in xpensiv political campaigns. u also removd well-meaning bureaucrats 4m imprtnt depts & replacd dem with Yadavs. During ur tenure, goondaraj prevailed in UP. wat do u hv 2 say abt dat?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: malign singh ji???

rjct_sharma_niceguy: mantriji? u there???

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Buzz!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Abbe e… offline ho gaya kya, ya Mr. India ban baitha hain? Lal chasma lagaoon kya baba!

its_malign.singh: m here…m here…gt dc…u knw net is slow in up.. :-P

rjct_sharma_niceguy: ur UP u mean! wat did u do in da last 5 yrs if derz no net in lucknow?

its_malign.singh: sharma ji it is vry un4tunate dat u shd thnk lyk dat of me. UP ws perfectly safe in my tym. dere wer no goondas, only a disciplinary army of my suporters who cdnt tolerate nuisance. My job hs alwys bin 2 protect my state & ppl 4m harm. Remmber i ws da Raksha Mantri 1ce? & da bureaucrats, dey wer under-per4min officers brot in by da previus Mewawati regim. i brot in mor efficient Yadav officrs. wats d big dil? al dis nonsense hs bin spred by d opposition. Its a ploy 2 malign meee. LL

rjct_sharma_niceguy: xcus me, bt opposition? i thot u r d opposition nw. :-O

its_malign.singh: watevr! regarding our pol campains, v only highlited da progres made by UP in da last 5 yrs. Hammer Singh ji personally handld da campains. & plzzz dnt play around with meee. i know hw u al made up da Aman Verma casting couch story. da details cn b made public thru sum oder news channel, if u dnt mend ur ways. :-X

rjct_sharma_niceguy: v also hv details abt da cases of corruption dat u hv indulged in. 2 giv u a hint of wat v knw, v knw da connection betwn Nora Yadav (ur 4mer Chief Secretary), da Noida Land Scam, & u. dese cn jeopardise ur career, since u r out of power. da details cn b leaked out 2 Mewawati ji. :-P

its_malign.singh: dear reject sa’ab…he he he! :-D :-D… i ws joking :-D :-D

its_malign.singh: m wiling 2 invest in ur channel. wat say! J J

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Oye chuk de phatte!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: lol JJJ

hammer_boy is now online

rjct_sharma_niceguy: hammer singh ji is online…let’s hv a conference chat…

its_malign.singh: badhiya! plzzz invite him…

hammer_boy has joined the conference

its_malign.singh: aao bhai! hw r u?

hammer_boy: namaste reject ji! namaste malign bhai! kya haalchal?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: namaste! hwz evrythn goin? v wer tlkn bout ya…J

hammer_boy: really??? wow!!! wat ws it bout?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: well…cud u shed more lite on da pol campains?

hammer_boy: J was a perfect campaign! v roped in Amitabh Bachchan 2 campain 4 us… he ws soooo co-operative! he did it free of cost 4 us. hez lyk a bro 2 me!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Ae chal e shaane…hawa aane de…

hammer_boy: :-X wat ws dat reject ji? u think m lyin?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: not really… bt i hv heard dat u did it jst 2 consol Amit ji, who ws sad 4 havin lost da “Hot-seat” 2 Shahrukh Khan, along with da money. & i hv learnt dat Amit ji will reciprocate by givin u a role in a film, since u wnt hv nething 2 do bt face nquiries, nw dat u r outta pwr. plzzz nliten us on dis…

its_malign.singh: Audible: arre yahin to dhokha kha gaya India…

its_malign.singh: i hd askd hammer bhai 2 giv amit ji d Allahabad seat…bt bhai dint listen 2 meeee….LLL

hammer_boy: dts bulshit! tis Mewawati’s chaal…shez a @!&*#!…shez spredin bad wrds abt me…:-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon is now online

rjct_sharma_niceguy: ok…Mewawati ji is nw online…lets hear it 4m her…m inviting her 2…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon has joined the conference

rjct_sharma_niceguy: namaste behenji! hw u doin?

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: namaste reject ji! m fine…who els is here?

hammer_boy: Audible: aankhen hai ki batatein...dikhta nahin kya?

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: ohho…malign singh ji & hammer singh ji r also here… :-O…wat r u ppl doin @ dis hour? pakaoing khichdi against me? >:) >:)

rjct_sharma_niceguy: no behenji…v r discusin sum serious issues…hammer singh ji is upset with u…he thnks u r spredin bad wrds against him…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: Audible: Hai Daiyya..bas bhi karo..log kya kahenge!

its_malign.singh: dts not funny…:-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: sorry…bt i ws only tryin 2 mk thngs lite…y wud i spred bad wrds abt hammer singh ji? he hs bin hidin in Mumbai, at amit ji’s plc evr since he lst d election…

hammer_boy: m nt hidin…i hv cum dwn 2 bless abhi-ash after der wedding…

rjct_sharma_niceguy: & hez waitin @ Pratiksha..amit ji’s plc…4 a cal 4m cbi…:-D:-D

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wat is mobile number, karoo kya dial number…hi hi hi..:-D

rjct_sharma_niceguy: :-D :-D

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: hi hi hi…reject ji…did u c hammer singh ji’s dance on Close-up Antakshari? he cn put 2 shame ne belly-dancer in town…he ws lukin sexy…hi hi hi…:-D

hammer_boy: enuf! i knw hw u won d election dis tym…

its_malign.singh: yea…u did booth-capturin…n bribed election commission officers…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: grw up guys…i made brahmins n dalits vote 4 me…a feat dt even da great Currency Raam ji, my guru, cdnt achieve…da kurmis also suportd me…i hv gt absolute majority, mind it…

its_malign.singh: n u made Boney Prasad Verma, defect 4m my party…u split da kurmi votes…i wl kill u! :-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i dint do dat…twas To-hell Gandhi…

hammer_boy: wat?! dat launda? he tlkd abt his family splittin pakistan…he split our vote-bank…i hate him!

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i nvr sed i lyk him! bt i lyk his mom…shez soooo sweeeet!

hammer_boy: u mean dts y u neva married? >:) >:)

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: shut up! dnt 4get dt i m da CM nw…i wl screw up ur lives…i hv seen hw u ppl destroyd govt. papers wen d election results came…n i wl c 2 it dt d noida-ghaziabad DM/SSP posting case cums bk 2 headlines again…jst bcoz of me, buses r running betwn Delhi n UP again…

rjct_sharma_niceguy: enuf ppl! Plzzzz…plzzzzzzzzz stop fighting….behenji, wt r ur plans nw? u r CM nw…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wl fix up malign’s n hammer’s asses…& wl mk brahmins & dalits eat 4m da same platter…>:) >:)

rjct_sharma_niceguy: oh! den i wl neva go 2 UP…behenji…plz hv sum respct 4 religious n communal sentiments of ppl…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wt do u thnk only malign singh, Cologne Singh and Rosenut Singh hv da rite 2 play da communal harmonium? i wl play it 2!!!!!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: bt behenji, dnt 4get dt da Taj Corridor case is stil pending…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: dnt wry…dis tym i wl sel da Taj! Lord Curzon tried 2 do it at da strt of 20^th century…mewawati wl do it in da 21^st century…

its_malign.singh: dt wl neva happen…Taj is a property of da wakf board…v wl stage dharnas n walkouts in d assembly if u do dt…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i wl throw my slippers @ u if u do dt…

hammer_boy: jst try dt 1ce & u wl c wt v wl do…u wnt hv al da mewa alone…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: u shitty ppl! wat do u thnk of urslvs?

its_malign.singh: hold ur tongue, @!&*#!

!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: arre dil pe mat le yaar…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: shut up reject! I wl reject al ur tenders 4 tv coverage of events in UP…..

rjct_sharma_niceguy: who d @!&*#! do u think u r…

The rest of the transcript couldn’t be provided as the conversation wanders off to wanton profanities from here. Nevertheless, you al knw nw dt UP elections hv bin real nasty…God help UP…God Save The Queen!