An Affair To Remember

At a time when moral policing brigades have almost threatened the freedom of speech and expression in India, Baba Films & Sounds have made a commendable effort to raise the banner of revolt against censorship. I got acquainted with these crusaders when I chanced upon one of their offerings, a compilation of old South Indian porn movies dubbed into Hindi. I was buying some DVDs from a popular video shop when the owner offered me a free sample of their hard work. He rather surprised me (pleasantly, of course!) when he said that if I returned it after watching it, he would give me “better” stock. Their modus operandi is brilliant! The DVD doesn’t carry any label, and that makes it difficult to know what exactly it contains. But the moment you play it, you are introduced to a fascinating world of half-naked pot-bellied men and butt-naked, top-heavy women with Dara Singh thighs and Sachin Tendulkar shoulders. The collection has four movies, aptly named Bol Gori Bol, Jungle Mein Mastiyan, Kamuk Kunwari Ladkiyan, and Manchala Masti Mein-I.

If you are yet to watch this mind-blowing collection then you are surely missing something! After all, in which porn movie will you have to wait for twenty-eight minutes to see the first flashes of exposed skin? In which porn movie will you see a full Bollywood-style song and dance sequence? Where will you find over-weight couples making out with closed eyes, trying to recreate the magic that bound Dhritarashtra and Gandhari together ages ago? Where else will you find actors flaunting their under-garments along with their over-grown asses? It happens only in India! We have the God-bestowed quality to make an ordinary porn film look like an extended Iodex ad (with all the random “Ooh! Aah! Ouch!”). Watching Indi-porn is fun!

All throughout, I had violent fits of laughter. Sample this: “Shanti, jhuke bina koi kaam nehi kar sakti”—an old lady taunting the maid-servant for exposing too much to her horny husband. Try another one: a blind man expresses his desire to have mangoes to a damsel. The lady, out of pity for the wretched creature says to herself: “ab iss mausam mein aam kahan se laaoon? Aisa karti hoon, yehi chooswa leti hoon” (“how do I get mangoes in this season? I think I should make him enjoy my natural mangoes”). What follows is a heart-rending scene where the hapless guy innocently sucks on what he believes to be mangoes. I was moved to tears while going through the scene. Such blatant portrayal of ignorance (oops! innocence) was simply brilliant! Who can do it better but us, the innovative Indians? Shame on those Westerners who think Indians can’t “do it” on tape! In fact, we do it better than anybody else, for we have produced one-sixth of humanity in our bed-rooms with our riotous, close-eyed love-making ways. Indi-porn glorifies our concept that love is blind!

I must say that the compilers have done a commendable job in bringing out the collection in the market. I should also compliment the makers of the original, non-dubbed versions of the movies. They deserve a standing ovation, for they managed to get Censor Board certificates, when mainstream movies like Water and Fire failed to get one, although they had little or no nudity. But I guess it was the creative content of the porn movies that won the Censor Board over. The banality of films like Water and Fire are too well-known.

Check out these movie collections at a local shop near you, if you want to know how we Indians transform the art of love-making to a bout of Sumo wrestling. This is a notable fact given that ours is the land where the Kamasutra was written. Watching this collection will definitely be an affair to remember for you!

Kaafi With Khudawand

Kitsch TV presents, Kaafi With Khudawand, the one and only zero-advertisement show. Here is our host for the evening—Khudawand Raam.

“Hello and welcome to this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand! Today, we have with us the cast and crew of Spiderman 3. So, ladies and gentleman, please welcome Same Raimi, Toby Quagmire and Kirsten Dunce!”

(Guests walk in and take their seats in the casting couch, while Shaky Kapoor looks on at them with a savage grin from backstage.)

Khudawand Raam (KR): “All right! We start with you, Same. Our audience would like to know why you can’t see beyond Spiderman. You have used the same concept thrice in a row. Why so?”

Same Raimi (SR): “Come on! I thought Indians are smart people! My name—Same Raimi—itself suggests that I love using the same things again and again. I don’t believe in use and throw concepts, and that’s why I hate condoms and syringes. Despite their below-average acting skills, I have used the same cast in all of my Spidey movies.”

KR: “Perhaps Quagmire and Dunce could throw some light over it…”

Toby Quagmire (TQ): Yea! Same is right. He also made me wear the same, worn-out Spidey costume from the previous movies. You must have noticed that in all the three movies it gets torn at the same places.”

K.R: “Dunce…?”

Kirsten Dunce (K.D): “Hmmph…o yeah! Like before, he doesn’t allow me to expose my skin. Once in a while I get to show a little bit of cleavage, but that’s all.”

K.R.: “Same old Raimi, huh!”

S.R.: “You bet!”

K.R.: “Ok! Now let’s talk about the script. Why do we see a Bollywood influence in your movie?”

S.R: “Coz we outsourced it to India!”

“What the f***!”—show producer, Jatin Varma, shrieks out in the backstage. He had sponsored Spiderman 3 tickets for his entire team, a few days back.

K.R.: “You outsourced it? Why?”

S.R.: “See, mate, there are two categories of foreigners coming into India—Indophiles and Paedophiles. We belong to the first category. We love your culture, your music and films. Your films like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and Kal Ho Na Ho made the entire American nation cry. Then you have Rang De Basanti, which is being shown in the Australia to induce patriotism in Aussie people. That song Johnny Q from Dil Chahta Hain is still popular there. Of late, we have fallen in love with media baroness, Kicktaa Kapoor. That woman is a genius! She can make her entire crew cry with such effortless ease! That mesmerises us! That’s why we outsourced our script to Vellaji Telefilms.”

“Shit! My coffee…”—Sam Arni, Dy. Editor of Kitsch TV, spills her coffee on her dress, hearing Same Raimi’s Bolly trivia.

K.R.: “Oh I see! How sweet of you! But some of your ardent fans (including me) are of the view that you made this film faute de mieux. You didn’t have enough moolah to finance your project, that’s why you did cost-cutting everywhere. You did not even give Peter Parker a new ring for proposing to Mary Jane. All he got was this old, out-of-shine ring from Aunt May. And you also gave Parker a pathetic place to live. Did you try to portray the conditions of the modern, jobless American when all jobs are being outsourced to Asian countries?”

S.R.: “No man! We love you, Indians! We were following Indian traditions. You pass on your belongings to the succeeding generation in India. We picked up this fascinating trend from your highly popular soap-opera, Kyunki Chaach Bhi Kabhi Dahi Thi...”

K.D.: (Interrupts) “It’s Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi”

S.R.: “O yeah! Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. There, the mothers-in-law pass on their jewellery and a bunch of ugly looking keys to their daughters-in-law.”

K.R.: “How inspiring! I am sure our Indian audiences have understood properly the underlying sentiments of this film.”

(Khudawand turns to face Toby Quagmire)

K.R.: “Toby, tell us why you are stuck with Spiderman. We haven’t seen you in any other film of late. Is your career in a quagmire?”

T.Q.: “Not really, mate. I love playing Spiderman. Man, I am a superhero! I also kissed a hot babe in this movie, apart from Mary Jane.”

K.R.: “Sure you did! By the way, who is that hottie?”

“Aaooh! She is Lolita!”—Shaky Kapoor cries out from backstage.

S.R.: “Now, who is that?”

K.R.: “Oh! He is the chotta sa, pyala sa, nanha sa, baccha of Bollywood, Shaky Kapoor. He is one of the most well-known baddies of Bollywood. Of late, however, he is having a shaky experience with his job, after he got caught up in a “casting couch” quagmire. He wants a job in a Hollywood movie.”

S.R.: “Tell him to meet me after the show gets over. I will need a villain for my next venture, since the Green Goblin episode is now over.”

K.R.: “Shaky, you heard the boss!”

“Aaooh! Aaooh!”—Shaky is pleased!

(Camera angle changes)

K.R.: (To Same Raimi) “Let us talk about some of the flaws in your movie. There is this scene when Spiderman sits on the Church spire, getting drenched in the rain. Next he tries to tear his black suit apart, inside the Church. At that moment, the dejected and jealous colleague of Peter Parker (who becomes the other baddie) enters the Church in broad daylight. What do you have to say about that?”

S.R.: “Well…we were inspired by the K-serials again. Do you remember the scene in one of the episodes of Kyunki Saas...where Karan and Nandini stroll in the garden under a peaceful sky, while Tanya anxiously awaits her husband’s return in the rain? See, these things are common in the industry. Why do you bother?”

K.R.: “Well…and what about Peter Parker’s dance in the bar with the hottie?”

S.R.: “See, we were inspired by a particular song-dance sequence in the popular 1977 Bollywood movie, Hum Kisise Kam Nehi. There, a lovelorn Tariq sings to his love Tum kya jano, mohabbat kya hain. To make him jealous, Kajal Kiran (his love) sings around Rishi Kapoor, Mil gaya, humko saathi mil gaya, hum ko dekh koi jal gaya, oof oof jalne de! A hurt Tariq looks at her tearfully, the same way as Kirsten Dunce looks at Toby Quagmire. By the way, that song was inspired by the ABBA song, Mama Mia. Gone are the days when Bollywood was inspired by Hollywood. Today, we believe in mutual give and take. From nuclear energy to film concepts, India and America are sharing everything between them.”

K.R.: “How enlightening!”

(Suddenly, a man in Spiderman costume enters the studio. He is carrying a spittoon in his hand and his mouth is red with paan.)

K.R.: “Who the hell are you? Why are you here?”

Spidey: “Hamaar naam Makdi Babua ba! Hum tohar tetua dabaane aaya hoon!”

K.R.: “Unmask yourself, stranger! Tell us who you are!”

(Spidey takes off his mask and shows his paan-stained teeth as he grins at the camera)

K.R.: “By jove! That’s our Bhojpuri hero, Rabi Kissan!”

Rabi Kissan (R.K.): “Jai Raam ji ki! Raam raam, Same ji! Raam raam, Toby Bhaiyya! Raam raam, Bhauji!” (All return their greetings)

K.R. “Same, you probably know that Rabi has dubbed for Spiderman in the Bhojpuri version of your film. What do you think about it?”

S.R.: “He’s good! We spotted him in Big Boss, where he used to cry a lot. We thought he would be the ideal person to dub for Spiderman, since our hero is a cry baby too!”

K.R.: “Rabi, you have such an interesting name. Could you explain the meaning of your name to our audience?”

R.K.: “With pleasure! During the entire Rabi season, I farm for films in Bihar, where I am an icon. I spend the Kharif season in air-conditioned sets, shooting for Big Boss. That’s why Rabi Kissan!”

K.R.: “Oh, how interesting!”

(Camera focuses on Khudawand Raam and Same Raimi)

K.R.: “Well, we are in the dying minutes of our show. Let us talk about your next venture, which happens to be Spiderman 4. Who are going to be the lead actors?”

S.R.: “Oh, yes! I can very well assure you the success of my forthcoming venture, Spiderman 4. Peter Parker will be played by the evergreen Hollywood hunk, Richard Gora; Mary Jane will be played by the alluring Bollywood beauty, Shilpa Shitty. They share an amazing chemistry! With their recent sensational kiss in India, they evoked romance and passion in the hearts of millions. I am sure they will give their magic touch (or kiss) to the Spiderman series!”

K.R.: “Are you trying to say that you are doing away with Quagmire and Dunce?”

S.R.: “No, no! They will be there! But they will play father and mother to Parker Jr. (Gora) and M.J Jr. (Shitty).”

K.R.: “I didn’t get it. Don’t you think Quagmire and Dunce are too young to play mummy and daddy to old Shilpa Shitty, and even older Richard Gora?”

S.R.: “Do you think Cezanne Khan (Anurag Basu) and Shweta Tiwari (Prerna) are old enough to parent Jennifer Winget (Sneha)? But it’s so cool! It sells in India, it will sell in America!”

K.R.: “But what about the story? How is it going to be like?”

S.R.: “Actually, Peter Parker and Mary Jane will marry different people. M.J will marry an Indian guy and have a daughter (Shilpa Shitty). It will be Parker Jr. and M.J. Jr. who will marry each other and consummate the unrequited love-story of their parents.”

K.R.: “Oh my God! Do you mean to say that Bollywood-ization of Hollywood is complete?”

S.R.: “Yup!”

K.R.: “All right! Thank you very much, friends, for joining us on this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand. Please watch Spiderman 3 to see Bollywood triumph over Hollywood. Aaj ke liye itna hi “kaafi” hain! Khuda Hafiz!”


Copyright warning: This article as well as the other posts are property of Kitsch Magazine (where I work, of course). Do not use them without prior permission of the writer and the company (Twenty Onwards Media Pvt. Ltd. New Delhi)

Tara Rum Pum

Tara Rum Pum—the name sounds weird for a movie. When I entered the theatre, I had no idea as to what the movie is like; when I came out of the theatre at the end of the movie, I still couldn’t connect the film to its name. Sometimes an improper name can ruin a good script. I hope the same doesn’t happen to this otherwise good movie.

When I say “good”, I don’t mean to eulogise it. It is an average film with all the masala in it, which brings it very close to being a tear-jerker. All adherents of the saas-bahu cult will surely love this movie. But people who were expecting another Hum-Tum magic from this Saif Ali Khan-Rani Mukherjee starrer, will be disappointed. The film is anything but magic.

The last time I saw Pataudi Junior give a power-packed performance was in Omkara. If Langda Tyagi (which he played with venom) was brilliant, Rajveer Singh or RV was lame in Tara Rum Pum. He couldn’t really pull it off, although there was much scope for power play in the film. He just couldn’t immerse himself in the role he played. It seemed all the time, he was thinking about his break-up with Rosa, his Italian girlfriend.

Rani Mukherjee (Radhika Bannerjee), on the other hand, played her part well. She looks stunning in this film! For the first time in her film career, she is not looking awful in Western dresses. And it is again the first instance when she doesn’t wear any traditional Indian dress in a film. Beautiful and smart (and almost ten kilos lighter), Rani Mukherjee is the woman to watch in this film.

And how can I forget the kids! The child actors (Ali Haji and Angelina Idjania) have given a superb performance in their limited roles. With their innocent looks and lovely smiles, I am sure they will win a lot of hearts. They certainly did win mine!

The multi-talented Javed Jafferey plays an important role in the movie. With his impressive (yet funny) Gujarati accent, Javed has some of the best one-liners in the movie. Still, he could have been utilised in a better way.

The only actor who looks awkward in his role is Victor Bannerjee. He plays the role of Rani Mukherjee’s father: a rich businessman who understands the language of money, not heart. His is the most imbalanced character in the movie. When he advises his daughter to have a fling with the “racer” and not really think about marrying him, he sounds like a cheap man (especially when he tells her that he himself had a number of illicit affairs before settling down). Again, when he hands over a $ 50,000 cheque to her in her troubled times, he looks more like a considerate money-lender than a father. That made me ask myself: are all rich fathers like that? If yes, how do they father good daughters like Radhika? It is a mystery that can’t be solved.

The movie has a number of sequences that have been inspired by different Bollywood-Hollywood movies. The song “Tara Rum Pum” (where the family dances with animated bears) seems to be inspired from Walt Disney’s Mary Poppins. There is an exactly similar song-dance sequence, where Dick Van Dyke, Julie Andrews and two kids (a boy and a girl) dance along with animated characters.

In another sequence, Saif gets out of a race when he remembers his near-fatal accident on the tracks. That thought haunts him everywhere, even when he becomes a taxi-driver. Tom Cruise was similarly haunted in the movie Top Gun (remember how he used to disengage from combat?).

Nevertheless, the film does give some good messages. The scene where Javed Jafferey advises Saif to retire from his game while he is still at the top, somehow made me remember the under-performing Indian cricket team. And the way Saif reacts to the advice, is strikingly similar to Sachin Tendulkar’s rhetoric post Team India’s failure in the 2007 World Cup.

The film inspires you to overcome your failures in life. RV’s is the typical rags-to-riches, then back to rags, and again to riches story. Despite being at the top of his game, one accident brings his career to near end. He loses his wealth, his house and all other possessions, very much like Rocky Balboa in Rocky V. But unlike Balboa, our hero rises from the ashes, thanks to the support of his wife and kids, and makes a comeback in style ala our own Dada, Sourav Ganguly.

Racing freaks will get to see a lot of expensive, fast cars and big brand names like Chevrolet and Castrol. Surrogate advertising has been done in the best possible way in this movie. But somehow, you don’t get the adrenaline rush while going through the racing sequences. All the tension and excitement of the racers and spectators alike was missing, giving it a filmy touch. And all throughout the movie, the Will Ferrel and Sacha Baron Cohen starrer Talladega Nights kept on coming to my mind. You will have to see this movie to find out why.

For the spendthrifts, this is an ultimate movie to watch. It tells you why you should learn to save money and not squander away your wealth. Troubled times don’t come in instalments—they overwhelm you all at once. But even if you are not thrifty, make it sure that you have a spouse who can keep a track of your expenses. Learn to save and think for the future. Don’t make your love your weakness!

CORPORATE- The Movie

Those of you, who go crazy about Madhur Bhandarkar’s movies, would feel like banging your heads on the wall after watching CORPORATE. It is the noted director’s gibe at the Indian corporate culture. A tad bit of fact and a plethora of fiction combined, CORPORATE can be called at best, a khichdi of the good, bad and ugly sides of the corporate sector.

The film showcases the rivalry between two corporate houses, the Sehgal Group and the Marwah Group. It centres on Nishigandha Dasgupta (played unconvincingly by “aamader meye”, Bipasha Basu), a young, ambitious career-woman who has high-profile achievements under her belt. She is beautiful, educated and a successful woman who has reached the top by dint of hard work. She is the role-model of many young women who try to walk in her shoes. But how far is she practical in her professional life? Pathetically impractical! Her degree of commitment to work can be gauged from the fact that she muses about screwing her boyfriend while attending a high-level board meeting!

And her boyfriend is an earthy male named Riteish (played with venom by Kay Kay Menon), who is the brother-in-law of her boss (Oops! Did I tell you that she works for the Sehgal Group?). This man has a noble heart and a helpful nature, but he lacks business acumen. He is blessed with the Midas’ Touch—whichever company he handles turns bankrupt! Yes, you have got it right: he is a failed businessman.

Nishi and Riteish make a perfect couple, for they both are emotional fools of the highest order. Nishi plays the modern day version of a Sati-Savitri: who will give her everything for the sake of her man, even the credit of a path-breaking report she sedulously prepares. But hey, don’t under-estimate this girl! She also uses sex to lure a rival honcho to extract professional secrets from him. Riteish is also a perfect maryada-purushottam, for he cares two hoots about his brother-in-law’s reputation when it comes to protecting his girl from harm.


The film is also tells perfectly how a greedy, unprincipled and lecherous man is always likely to be a politician. Don’t believe me? Go and check out the character of Gulab Rao Ingle, a wily customer…err…minister. And you will also get to know how a rich man can make astronomical profits in business by holding the padukas of a spiritual guru.

The film flaunts a lot of weak points. There are some unnecessary scenes in the movie. The “Sikandar” song by Kailash Kher was out of place in the movie, and the cameo by Payal Rohatgi did not go with the story. The love-making scene between Kay Kay and Bipasha really made me uncomfortable. I was expecting a bold performance by the Bongshell. But she disappointed me! All throughout the scene, she closed her eyes, with an expression that read, “Hey, take this brute away from me! Why is he doing it too much?” I guess she was not comfortable with Kay Kay (since John Abraham is her man). Madhur bhai, I hope you were following her expression during the shoot! You have a penchant for making stuff appear real, but you should understand that the realistic portrayal sometimes brings in the real emotions in the actors. I am now convinced that Bipasha didi is a real-life Sati-Savitri (Dino Morea was only a Ravan).

Nevertheless, the film has got a star-studded cast. Kay Kay Menon is fabulous. Harsh Chhaya as Naveen Shroff convincingly plays the role of an ethical businessman who is not willing to sacrifice his principles for profit. Rajat Kapur as Anil Sehgal and Raj Babbar as Deepak Marwah, play their characters with a vengeance. Minissha Lamba and Lilette Dubey play side-roles in the movie (I feel they could have been utilized more in the film).

A spectre is haunting India: the spectre of corporatism, my friends. Watch this movie to be haunted!