Controversy over Islam

The following are two posts that came as a response to an article on Amitabh Bachchan on our office blog. The first post here is a comment by a person named Shahid Jalal from Pakistan. I have lifted it ditto from our blog and pasted it here. He has invited Amitabh Bachchan to accept Islam. Read on to know what he is up to.

The second post was my response to his comment. I have replied as Shahryar Khan, a journalist from New Delhi, India. Have fun reading it!

Invitation towards Islam
to Amitab Bachan.

Sir,
I am going to invite you to religion Islam.
i think in this world every one is realize that what is his distination where will he go. do little think bit that how is the day converted to night and night to day.
sun is rising in the morning and then get down in the evening. think about Amrish poori who was yesterday with you but today he is not available where go his wealth his respect what is his Anjam.my English is not very well that's why i would like to type in Hindi prounciation.
Agar App Molve Tariq Jamil jo Pakistani hay uski taqareer wali CD's Sunlay apko buhut information ajagee.

Sir, Is Dunyia ko bananay wala koi hay app jo is bagwan ki Ibadat karthay ho ap is kay baray may sochay key Ieh bechara to matti ka bana howa aik putla hai ye kiya karsakayga.
Plz khafa mat hona.

laiken aik din aiga jo kayamat ka din hoga ur wo din 50000 years key barabar hoga aur wo hesab kitab ka din hoga. os din suraj zamin say aik mile key distance per hoga.
aur sab insaniat jo start say lay key kayamat tak Aingay sab zinda hojaingay. aur sab log apnay Pasinay may dubay hongay. yeh main apnay app say nahi bolta balkay yeh to Mera Rab Allah Apnay Akhri kitab Quran majeed may farmatha hay.
es juti Izzat aur shuhrat per duka mat kao yeh teray marnay ki sat khatam hojaingey fiker agar karni hay to mot keh bad jo zindagi hay os key baray mai socho.
wo buhut sakht din hoga laiken jo is dunya may Allah ko razi karingay wo os din Allah keh Arsh key nichay hongay. Aur Allah keh Mehman Hongay.
App Zara Dr. Zakir Naik ko bhi study karay.
app ko kis nay banay kio banay kia maqsad hay zara socha.

Allah App ko Musalman honay ke Hidayat day.

Shahid Jalal

Shahid miyaan, Assalaam o Alaikum! Islam aur Hinduism, in dono mazhabon ke baare mein jo aapki raai hain, woh qabil-e-tareef hain! Mashallah, kya roshan khayalat hain aap kay! Nacheez ki yeh raai hain ki aap apne falsafe, aawaaz-e-buland mein Radio Karachi ke zariye bayaan karein!

Ae mere roshan dimaagh dost, koi bhi insaan chaahe Hindu ya Mussalman, agar aap ke roshan khayalat ke rubaru aa jaaye to maare hasi ke mar jaaye. Amitabh Bachchan sahib ko aap Mussalman kyun banana chaahte hain? Woh jaise hain, shukr-i-Allah, durust hain. Mussalman ka matlab bhi jaante hain aap? Mussalman sirf Islam qabool karne se nehi banta; Mussalman wohi hota hain jiska imaan mussallam hota hain. Mere khayal se Bachchan sahib ek aise shaqs hain jinka imaan mussallam hain!

Doosri baat, kisi bhi mazhab ko neechi nigaahon se dekhna Islam ke khilaaf hain! Allah ke Rasool ne yehi sikhaya tha sabko. Aap shayad abhi tak Islam ko samajh hi nehi paaye hain!

Aakhir mein aap se ek guzaarish karna chahunga. Apna mazaak banane se pehle soch lijiyega ki aap kya kehne jaa rahe hain.

Allah aapko insaaniyat se nawaaze!

Fi Amanillah! Allah Hafiz!

Shahryar Khan

An Affair To Remember

At a time when moral policing brigades have almost threatened the freedom of speech and expression in India, Baba Films & Sounds have made a commendable effort to raise the banner of revolt against censorship. I got acquainted with these crusaders when I chanced upon one of their offerings, a compilation of old South Indian porn movies dubbed into Hindi. I was buying some DVDs from a popular video shop when the owner offered me a free sample of their hard work. He rather surprised me (pleasantly, of course!) when he said that if I returned it after watching it, he would give me “better” stock. Their modus operandi is brilliant! The DVD doesn’t carry any label, and that makes it difficult to know what exactly it contains. But the moment you play it, you are introduced to a fascinating world of half-naked pot-bellied men and butt-naked, top-heavy women with Dara Singh thighs and Sachin Tendulkar shoulders. The collection has four movies, aptly named Bol Gori Bol, Jungle Mein Mastiyan, Kamuk Kunwari Ladkiyan, and Manchala Masti Mein-I.

If you are yet to watch this mind-blowing collection then you are surely missing something! After all, in which porn movie will you have to wait for twenty-eight minutes to see the first flashes of exposed skin? In which porn movie will you see a full Bollywood-style song and dance sequence? Where will you find over-weight couples making out with closed eyes, trying to recreate the magic that bound Dhritarashtra and Gandhari together ages ago? Where else will you find actors flaunting their under-garments along with their over-grown asses? It happens only in India! We have the God-bestowed quality to make an ordinary porn film look like an extended Iodex ad (with all the random “Ooh! Aah! Ouch!”). Watching Indi-porn is fun!

All throughout, I had violent fits of laughter. Sample this: “Shanti, jhuke bina koi kaam nehi kar sakti”—an old lady taunting the maid-servant for exposing too much to her horny husband. Try another one: a blind man expresses his desire to have mangoes to a damsel. The lady, out of pity for the wretched creature says to herself: “ab iss mausam mein aam kahan se laaoon? Aisa karti hoon, yehi chooswa leti hoon” (“how do I get mangoes in this season? I think I should make him enjoy my natural mangoes”). What follows is a heart-rending scene where the hapless guy innocently sucks on what he believes to be mangoes. I was moved to tears while going through the scene. Such blatant portrayal of ignorance (oops! innocence) was simply brilliant! Who can do it better but us, the innovative Indians? Shame on those Westerners who think Indians can’t “do it” on tape! In fact, we do it better than anybody else, for we have produced one-sixth of humanity in our bed-rooms with our riotous, close-eyed love-making ways. Indi-porn glorifies our concept that love is blind!

I must say that the compilers have done a commendable job in bringing out the collection in the market. I should also compliment the makers of the original, non-dubbed versions of the movies. They deserve a standing ovation, for they managed to get Censor Board certificates, when mainstream movies like Water and Fire failed to get one, although they had little or no nudity. But I guess it was the creative content of the porn movies that won the Censor Board over. The banality of films like Water and Fire are too well-known.

Check out these movie collections at a local shop near you, if you want to know how we Indians transform the art of love-making to a bout of Sumo wrestling. This is a notable fact given that ours is the land where the Kamasutra was written. Watching this collection will definitely be an affair to remember for you!

Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy

Wannabe Page 3 reporter Khudawand Raam sneaked into an important event in the city recently. It was the mahurat of the most talked about yet-to-be-released film in recent times—Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy. The concept of the film has already generated so much public interest that the mahurat was thronged by a plethora of politicians, journalists and nurses. Our reporter was intrigued by the presence of the nurses, for this fraternity is hardly represented in other media events. Without much ado, the scribe was able to get all the answers to his questions (almost all).

This film has been produced by the Nurses’ Union of India. One of their union leaders, Joylakshmi by name, has written the script as well as played the lead role in the film. Directed by a politician named Raunak-chori Chori (who plays the male protagonist), this movie promises to be an entertaining thriller, as it will draw elements from Malayalam porn films, song-dance sequences from Bollywood blockbusters, and suspense and action from Hollywood thrillers. (Click here for the details of the movie)

All was going well until the start of the press conference. The heroine told the press that ever since the movie was shot, she is getting threatening calls from the hero for the distribution rights of the film. She said she will not part with the rights over her film since it’s her baby. Two months’ back, she had contemplated suicide because she failed to find distributors who would buy her tale. She said that her modesty was violated when they refused to believe that the movie poster that she had designed was authentic and not trick photography. She has now approached the State Women's Commission for justice, but is sceptical about receiving the same. She also said that Raunak-chori Chori has been forcing her to marry him against her wishes. She was on the verge of tears when she demanded sexual freedom, the freedom to screw any man she liked without getting entangled in the wedding web. It was an emotional scene, for almost everyone in the audience was moved to the point of tears. After gulping down her emotions, Joylakshmi finally said: “I will release a CD soon to establish my relationship with Raunak-chori Chori”. The whole atmosphere reverberated with the slogans of “Jai Joylakshmi”, raised by the nurses and other feminists. The hero, Raunak-chori Chori, was not available for comment. This was because the State Women’s Commission (his PR?) strongly advised him not to talk to the press.

The reporter asked some of the dignitaries present in the event about how they felt about the movie. Hush Chopra, the owner of Hush Hush Productions had this to say: “This is a landmark event. We are all waiting eagerly for the CD to be released. We are fed up of monotonous porn movies; this movie promises excitement and entertainment at the same time. We are trying to negotiate with Joylakshmi for broadcasting rights of the movie.”

Adnan Semi, the semi-singer cum semi-actor cum semi-pianist, was very pleased with the poster idea. “This is an inspiring movie! This will give all those fat and ugly people out there a new ray of hope…that even they can have rocking sex, and that it only takes two grotesque pairs of lips to deliver that sensational kiss! One of my support staff has downloaded the movie poster and set it as desktop wall-paper. Every day we worship Joylakshmi and draw strength from her example. Jai Joylakshmi!”

Everyone in the audience went ga-ga over the poster and the story. Our scribe has therefore, decided to attach a “moist-watch” tag on this movie. Watch out for Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy in a theatre near you!

Bugular Vein: with Bug Suraiya

I spent months in the UP political arena, accessing secret government papers, and memos and letters exchanged between political leaders. The following report is based on an internet chat transcript I managed to get hold off. It is between Malign Singh Yadav, the erstwhile Chief Minister of Unruly Pradesh (UP), Kumari Mewawati, the present CM of UP, Hammer Singh, strong man of SP and Reject Sharma, the owner of India TV, via Yahoo! Messenger. It might appear scandalous. It actually is.

The chat transcripts can be found below.

its_malign.singh: i m shockd 2 c dat report on ur channel. u hv actualy blackend d image of our party. will nt tk dis litely. plz b prepared 4 action. :-X

rjct_sharma_niceguy: u hv bin calld as da “man who squandrd 2 mch public money”. dey say dat you wasted a lot of money in xpensiv political campaigns. u also removd well-meaning bureaucrats 4m imprtnt depts & replacd dem with Yadavs. During ur tenure, goondaraj prevailed in UP. wat do u hv 2 say abt dat?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: malign singh ji???

rjct_sharma_niceguy: mantriji? u there???

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Buzz!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Abbe e… offline ho gaya kya, ya Mr. India ban baitha hain? Lal chasma lagaoon kya baba!

its_malign.singh: m here…m here…gt dc…u knw net is slow in up.. :-P

rjct_sharma_niceguy: ur UP u mean! wat did u do in da last 5 yrs if derz no net in lucknow?

its_malign.singh: sharma ji it is vry un4tunate dat u shd thnk lyk dat of me. UP ws perfectly safe in my tym. dere wer no goondas, only a disciplinary army of my suporters who cdnt tolerate nuisance. My job hs alwys bin 2 protect my state & ppl 4m harm. Remmber i ws da Raksha Mantri 1ce? & da bureaucrats, dey wer under-per4min officers brot in by da previus Mewawati regim. i brot in mor efficient Yadav officrs. wats d big dil? al dis nonsense hs bin spred by d opposition. Its a ploy 2 malign meee. LL

rjct_sharma_niceguy: xcus me, bt opposition? i thot u r d opposition nw. :-O

its_malign.singh: watevr! regarding our pol campains, v only highlited da progres made by UP in da last 5 yrs. Hammer Singh ji personally handld da campains. & plzzz dnt play around with meee. i know hw u al made up da Aman Verma casting couch story. da details cn b made public thru sum oder news channel, if u dnt mend ur ways. :-X

rjct_sharma_niceguy: v also hv details abt da cases of corruption dat u hv indulged in. 2 giv u a hint of wat v knw, v knw da connection betwn Nora Yadav (ur 4mer Chief Secretary), da Noida Land Scam, & u. dese cn jeopardise ur career, since u r out of power. da details cn b leaked out 2 Mewawati ji. :-P

its_malign.singh: dear reject sa’ab…he he he! :-D :-D… i ws joking :-D :-D

its_malign.singh: m wiling 2 invest in ur channel. wat say! J J

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Oye chuk de phatte!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: lol JJJ

hammer_boy is now online

rjct_sharma_niceguy: hammer singh ji is online…let’s hv a conference chat…

its_malign.singh: badhiya! plzzz invite him…

hammer_boy has joined the conference

its_malign.singh: aao bhai! hw r u?

hammer_boy: namaste reject ji! namaste malign bhai! kya haalchal?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: namaste! hwz evrythn goin? v wer tlkn bout ya…J

hammer_boy: really??? wow!!! wat ws it bout?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: well…cud u shed more lite on da pol campains?

hammer_boy: J was a perfect campaign! v roped in Amitabh Bachchan 2 campain 4 us… he ws soooo co-operative! he did it free of cost 4 us. hez lyk a bro 2 me!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Ae chal e shaane…hawa aane de…

hammer_boy: :-X wat ws dat reject ji? u think m lyin?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: not really… bt i hv heard dat u did it jst 2 consol Amit ji, who ws sad 4 havin lost da “Hot-seat” 2 Shahrukh Khan, along with da money. & i hv learnt dat Amit ji will reciprocate by givin u a role in a film, since u wnt hv nething 2 do bt face nquiries, nw dat u r outta pwr. plzzz nliten us on dis…

its_malign.singh: Audible: arre yahin to dhokha kha gaya India…

its_malign.singh: i hd askd hammer bhai 2 giv amit ji d Allahabad seat…bt bhai dint listen 2 meeee….LLL

hammer_boy: dts bulshit! tis Mewawati’s chaal…shez a @!&*#!…shez spredin bad wrds abt me…:-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon is now online

rjct_sharma_niceguy: ok…Mewawati ji is nw online…lets hear it 4m her…m inviting her 2…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon has joined the conference

rjct_sharma_niceguy: namaste behenji! hw u doin?

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: namaste reject ji! m fine…who els is here?

hammer_boy: Audible: aankhen hai ki batatein...dikhta nahin kya?

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: ohho…malign singh ji & hammer singh ji r also here… :-O…wat r u ppl doin @ dis hour? pakaoing khichdi against me? >:) >:)

rjct_sharma_niceguy: no behenji…v r discusin sum serious issues…hammer singh ji is upset with u…he thnks u r spredin bad wrds against him…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: Audible: Hai Daiyya..bas bhi karo..log kya kahenge!

its_malign.singh: dts not funny…:-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: sorry…bt i ws only tryin 2 mk thngs lite…y wud i spred bad wrds abt hammer singh ji? he hs bin hidin in Mumbai, at amit ji’s plc evr since he lst d election…

hammer_boy: m nt hidin…i hv cum dwn 2 bless abhi-ash after der wedding…

rjct_sharma_niceguy: & hez waitin @ Pratiksha..amit ji’s plc…4 a cal 4m cbi…:-D:-D

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wat is mobile number, karoo kya dial number…hi hi hi..:-D

rjct_sharma_niceguy: :-D :-D

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: hi hi hi…reject ji…did u c hammer singh ji’s dance on Close-up Antakshari? he cn put 2 shame ne belly-dancer in town…he ws lukin sexy…hi hi hi…:-D

hammer_boy: enuf! i knw hw u won d election dis tym…

its_malign.singh: yea…u did booth-capturin…n bribed election commission officers…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: grw up guys…i made brahmins n dalits vote 4 me…a feat dt even da great Currency Raam ji, my guru, cdnt achieve…da kurmis also suportd me…i hv gt absolute majority, mind it…

its_malign.singh: n u made Boney Prasad Verma, defect 4m my party…u split da kurmi votes…i wl kill u! :-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i dint do dat…twas To-hell Gandhi…

hammer_boy: wat?! dat launda? he tlkd abt his family splittin pakistan…he split our vote-bank…i hate him!

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i nvr sed i lyk him! bt i lyk his mom…shez soooo sweeeet!

hammer_boy: u mean dts y u neva married? >:) >:)

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: shut up! dnt 4get dt i m da CM nw…i wl screw up ur lives…i hv seen hw u ppl destroyd govt. papers wen d election results came…n i wl c 2 it dt d noida-ghaziabad DM/SSP posting case cums bk 2 headlines again…jst bcoz of me, buses r running betwn Delhi n UP again…

rjct_sharma_niceguy: enuf ppl! Plzzzz…plzzzzzzzzz stop fighting….behenji, wt r ur plans nw? u r CM nw…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wl fix up malign’s n hammer’s asses…& wl mk brahmins & dalits eat 4m da same platter…>:) >:)

rjct_sharma_niceguy: oh! den i wl neva go 2 UP…behenji…plz hv sum respct 4 religious n communal sentiments of ppl…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wt do u thnk only malign singh, Cologne Singh and Rosenut Singh hv da rite 2 play da communal harmonium? i wl play it 2!!!!!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: bt behenji, dnt 4get dt da Taj Corridor case is stil pending…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: dnt wry…dis tym i wl sel da Taj! Lord Curzon tried 2 do it at da strt of 20^th century…mewawati wl do it in da 21^st century…

its_malign.singh: dt wl neva happen…Taj is a property of da wakf board…v wl stage dharnas n walkouts in d assembly if u do dt…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i wl throw my slippers @ u if u do dt…

hammer_boy: jst try dt 1ce & u wl c wt v wl do…u wnt hv al da mewa alone…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: u shitty ppl! wat do u thnk of urslvs?

its_malign.singh: hold ur tongue, @!&*#!

!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: arre dil pe mat le yaar…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: shut up reject! I wl reject al ur tenders 4 tv coverage of events in UP…..

rjct_sharma_niceguy: who d @!&*#! do u think u r…

The rest of the transcript couldn’t be provided as the conversation wanders off to wanton profanities from here. Nevertheless, you al knw nw dt UP elections hv bin real nasty…God help UP…God Save The Queen!

An Officer and a Gentleman: Heart to heart with a Soldier

“Can you turn that thing off?”—the young officer requests…rather insists.

My mind flies back in time. “Ay! Light bandh karo!”—an ominous voice starts ringing in my ears.

It was the early nineties. Trouble in the North-eastern state of Assam was blown out of proportion with the large-scale deployment of the Indian Army in order to carry out counter-insurgency operations. What followed was a decade-long saga of encounters, ambushes and wild manhunts under operations Bajrang, Rhino and Sher-dil. Collateral damage was more than expected: a fact that tarnished the image of the army among the local populace. The army came to be looked upon with fear and anger. Yet, there was a young generation that was old enough to be awed by the Kalashnikov wielding Men in Green, but too young to understand the politics behind them.

It was during those years of turmoil that the incident that I vividly remember, happened. We were on our way to another town. The night was dark. Suddenly we were stopped by a posse of army-men. One of them approached our car, and in a hoarse tone, told my father to switch off the head-lights. There were other vehicles too, ahead of us. We all were stranded on the highway. After an agonising wait of more than half an hour, we heard staccato bursts at a distance. It went on for around fifteen minutes. After that, everything was silent. After another hour, we were told to move ahead.

I recently heard of a young army officer from Assam who is posted in the Kashmir valley. I don’t know that many young men of my age from my state joining the Indian Army. Many youngsters like me are of the view that the army offers you a life of hardships and perpetual danger. Intrigued, I decided to meet him.

His persona did not fit the image of an army officer that was there in my mind. To me, an army officer has always been a giant-looking man with a hoarse voice and handlebar moustache. This guy was clean shaven, youthful in his conduct, and looked good in casuals. He seemed all pepped up to talk about his life; but the moment I took out the Dictaphone, he became extra conscious. Someone had said a long time back that a soldier finds courage if he sees an enemy with a gun, but loses it if he sees someone with a microphone. He looked around the place. He looked uncomfortable. Normally, guys behave like that when they go out on their first date. But this guy is no ordinary guy—he is a commissioned officer in the Indian Army. And it was no date either; it was a rendezvous with a wannabe journalist who was himself looking for his fifteen minutes of fame.

Why do people join the army? For thrill?

“I never looked for a job. I was after a life that I always wanted. After some heart-searching, I realised that it was the army that could give me that. Today, I can say that I am content with my life. Army is not a profession for me; it is a way of life.”

People of the Northeast have outgrown the pain and anger of the past. Many are swelling the ranks of the armed forces in great numbers now. Same is the story in the Kashmir valley.

“This is my first posting in the valley, and for the first time I am getting to spend my time with my men in a “field” situation. I am getting to see what the Indian Army is doing in the valley. Life in the valley is not as bad as you think. It’s exciting! It does get frustrating at times, as you are totally cut-off from your family and friends. Still, the valley is a beautiful place. Had it not been for the army, I don’t know if I would have ever got a chance to be in Kashmir.”

As we ordered food, I remembered a scene from the movie Border (released a decade ago) where Akshaye Khanna trembles at the thought of killing someone.

“It will be Karma and Dharma for me. I am not a trigger-happy person, so I wouldn’t like to kill someone just for the heck of it. But if it is required, I will do that. It’s a part of my profession. But I am yet to see real action.”—he continued to stare at the recorder while answering.

When I was young, I was fascinated by the armed forces. All those Commando comics are still stacked up in my study. As I grew up, the interest waned, maybe because I was not comfortable with the idea of leading a hard life. In my time, ambushes and encounters were common in the Northeast. Many a times, youngsters like me saw the corpses of dead soldiers and civilians smeared in blood. But what disturbed me most was the thought of losing some friend in some encounter.

“I did lose a friend. He was my immediate junior in the IMA and a Gentleman Cadet. He died in a grenade explosion during a training session. His name was Bir Tiwari. It was in the news, you must have heard about it. It came to me like a rude shock. I haven’t been able to accept his death till today. You get such kind of a bonding only in the army.”

My parents used to make faces whenever I used to talk about joining the army. It takes you away from your family, they would say.

“Of course, I miss my family. I don’t get to talk to them often, as the connectivity in the valley is very poor. The Govt. of India is not doing anything to provide better connectivity there. But I am moving out of the Counter Insurgency (CI) area into the LOC (Line of Control). I am going to get a satellite phone there with which I can constantly be in touch with my family.”

Meanwhile, food was served on our table. The aroma of kadhai chicken delighted us! I remembered my first date. But we had butter chicken. Those days were fun! I believe you learn a lot about life from your relationships.

“Oh…I am single as of now. My first relationship happened during my college days at Fergussons, Pune. It ended within a year. The second relationship didn’t work out and resulted in a mutually-agreed-upon break-up. The only good thing about it is that we still are good friends” I could make out from his words that he has always been a practical, down-to-earth guy. God cast him in the army mould, I think to myself. But I want to know about his dream woman.

“Well, she has to be pretty…very pretty…smart…presentable…you could say a head-turner”

“If you are given a choice between Katrina Kaif and Sushmita Sen, whom will you choose?”

“Katrina!” I wanted to know if Katrina’s Kashmiri origin had anything to do with his choice.

“No, man! I also like Priyanka Chopra, but she was not on your list!"—he tried to fox me, with a smile. Just then, two attractive women entered the restaurant. I wanted to know if they fell in the category of “head-turning” women.

“Certainly! And I would love to marry a woman like them!”—he was chivalrous in his reply.

As I chomped on the juice-filled chicken, my mind was filled with random thoughts. I decided to put them into words. I asked the young officer to allow me my indulgences.

“Your favourite movie in recent times?”

“Spiderman 3.”

“The worst movie you have seen of late?”

“Spiderman 3! It’s the only movie I have seen recently so my choice is limited.”

“Your favourite drink?”

“Beer”.

“Are you a party animal?”

“Oh yes, I am very much a party animal. The Rang De Basanti types: guzzling beer and taking pangas with the police.”

“Your favourite band (s)?”

“Nirvana and Cranberries.”

“Favourite song?”

“Come as you are”

“Your passions?”

“Babes and bikes. I just love Tom Cruise’s bike in Top Gun”

“Are you cynical about life?”

“Not at all! I am a very positive person. In fact, I am so positive that I am already hoping that those two women over there (pointing towards a table) will go out with me for a dance.”—we both laughed as he answered.

“So, how are your relations with your men?”—I asked him while savouring at the food.

“Fantastic! My immediate senior is like a brother to me. He even gave me his ATM card to use when I was coming down to Delhi. You don’t get to see that everyday, do you? I feel privileged to be in the army. We believe in the concept that respect is earned, not demanded. My men are important to me. Without them, I am no leader.”

Your leadership qualities are put to test in the army. Good leaders are those, it is said, who follow the orders of their seniors unquestionably, and make their juniors follow theirs without a fuss. I never wanted somebody else to “programme” my thoughts—one of the many reasons why I never joined the army.

“Nothing like that. My job as an army-man is to issue orders to my subordinates, and follow orders of my superiors. Following orders is a must in the army. We are bound by oath. We are not supposed to think over orders.”—he looked away from me, at a particular table to our right, where two young girls were sipping coke.

“But what if you are asked to do something by your senior that your conscience is totally against? What if you are asked to kill someone you don’t want to kill? What if you are asked to open fire at an unarmed crowd? Will you use your judgement then?”—my question was like a “booby-trap” for him.

“Well, sometimes you have to rely on the judgement of your superiors. Our army is very humane. We are professional soldiers, not killing machines. But we are also fallible people. We are prone to committing mistakes. I think it will be only fair if you think about us for all the good that we stand for, rather than for the mistakes that we have made.”—it was more of an appeal than a reply. But this time, he was looking straight into my eyes.

They say that army life is full of hardships. You feel that the grass is greener on the other side.

“I would have loved to draw a higher pay, going by the work we do.”

“Would you like to serve in a war theatre like Iraq?”

“I will not volunteer. We army-men are peace-loving people. But if my unit is given marching orders, I will go anywhere, even Timbuktu.”

On my way back, the handsome face of the young officer kept on floating in my mind. And the ominous voice of the army-man I encountered many years ago, kept on ringing in my ears. After a while, it faded away…

Copyright warning: This article as well as the other posts are property of Kitsch Magazine (where I work, of course). Do not use them without prior permission of the writer and the company (Twenty Onwards Media Pvt. Ltd. New Delhi)

Kaafi With Khudawand

Kitsch TV presents, Kaafi With Khudawand, the one and only zero-advertisement show. Here is our host for the evening—Khudawand Raam.

“Hello and welcome to this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand! Today, we have with us the cast and crew of Spiderman 3. So, ladies and gentleman, please welcome Same Raimi, Toby Quagmire and Kirsten Dunce!”

(Guests walk in and take their seats in the casting couch, while Shaky Kapoor looks on at them with a savage grin from backstage.)

Khudawand Raam (KR): “All right! We start with you, Same. Our audience would like to know why you can’t see beyond Spiderman. You have used the same concept thrice in a row. Why so?”

Same Raimi (SR): “Come on! I thought Indians are smart people! My name—Same Raimi—itself suggests that I love using the same things again and again. I don’t believe in use and throw concepts, and that’s why I hate condoms and syringes. Despite their below-average acting skills, I have used the same cast in all of my Spidey movies.”

KR: “Perhaps Quagmire and Dunce could throw some light over it…”

Toby Quagmire (TQ): Yea! Same is right. He also made me wear the same, worn-out Spidey costume from the previous movies. You must have noticed that in all the three movies it gets torn at the same places.”

K.R: “Dunce…?”

Kirsten Dunce (K.D): “Hmmph…o yeah! Like before, he doesn’t allow me to expose my skin. Once in a while I get to show a little bit of cleavage, but that’s all.”

K.R.: “Same old Raimi, huh!”

S.R.: “You bet!”

K.R.: “Ok! Now let’s talk about the script. Why do we see a Bollywood influence in your movie?”

S.R: “Coz we outsourced it to India!”

“What the f***!”—show producer, Jatin Varma, shrieks out in the backstage. He had sponsored Spiderman 3 tickets for his entire team, a few days back.

K.R.: “You outsourced it? Why?”

S.R.: “See, mate, there are two categories of foreigners coming into India—Indophiles and Paedophiles. We belong to the first category. We love your culture, your music and films. Your films like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and Kal Ho Na Ho made the entire American nation cry. Then you have Rang De Basanti, which is being shown in the Australia to induce patriotism in Aussie people. That song Johnny Q from Dil Chahta Hain is still popular there. Of late, we have fallen in love with media baroness, Kicktaa Kapoor. That woman is a genius! She can make her entire crew cry with such effortless ease! That mesmerises us! That’s why we outsourced our script to Vellaji Telefilms.”

“Shit! My coffee…”—Sam Arni, Dy. Editor of Kitsch TV, spills her coffee on her dress, hearing Same Raimi’s Bolly trivia.

K.R.: “Oh I see! How sweet of you! But some of your ardent fans (including me) are of the view that you made this film faute de mieux. You didn’t have enough moolah to finance your project, that’s why you did cost-cutting everywhere. You did not even give Peter Parker a new ring for proposing to Mary Jane. All he got was this old, out-of-shine ring from Aunt May. And you also gave Parker a pathetic place to live. Did you try to portray the conditions of the modern, jobless American when all jobs are being outsourced to Asian countries?”

S.R.: “No man! We love you, Indians! We were following Indian traditions. You pass on your belongings to the succeeding generation in India. We picked up this fascinating trend from your highly popular soap-opera, Kyunki Chaach Bhi Kabhi Dahi Thi...”

K.D.: (Interrupts) “It’s Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi”

S.R.: “O yeah! Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. There, the mothers-in-law pass on their jewellery and a bunch of ugly looking keys to their daughters-in-law.”

K.R.: “How inspiring! I am sure our Indian audiences have understood properly the underlying sentiments of this film.”

(Khudawand turns to face Toby Quagmire)

K.R.: “Toby, tell us why you are stuck with Spiderman. We haven’t seen you in any other film of late. Is your career in a quagmire?”

T.Q.: “Not really, mate. I love playing Spiderman. Man, I am a superhero! I also kissed a hot babe in this movie, apart from Mary Jane.”

K.R.: “Sure you did! By the way, who is that hottie?”

“Aaooh! She is Lolita!”—Shaky Kapoor cries out from backstage.

S.R.: “Now, who is that?”

K.R.: “Oh! He is the chotta sa, pyala sa, nanha sa, baccha of Bollywood, Shaky Kapoor. He is one of the most well-known baddies of Bollywood. Of late, however, he is having a shaky experience with his job, after he got caught up in a “casting couch” quagmire. He wants a job in a Hollywood movie.”

S.R.: “Tell him to meet me after the show gets over. I will need a villain for my next venture, since the Green Goblin episode is now over.”

K.R.: “Shaky, you heard the boss!”

“Aaooh! Aaooh!”—Shaky is pleased!

(Camera angle changes)

K.R.: (To Same Raimi) “Let us talk about some of the flaws in your movie. There is this scene when Spiderman sits on the Church spire, getting drenched in the rain. Next he tries to tear his black suit apart, inside the Church. At that moment, the dejected and jealous colleague of Peter Parker (who becomes the other baddie) enters the Church in broad daylight. What do you have to say about that?”

S.R.: “Well…we were inspired by the K-serials again. Do you remember the scene in one of the episodes of Kyunki Saas...where Karan and Nandini stroll in the garden under a peaceful sky, while Tanya anxiously awaits her husband’s return in the rain? See, these things are common in the industry. Why do you bother?”

K.R.: “Well…and what about Peter Parker’s dance in the bar with the hottie?”

S.R.: “See, we were inspired by a particular song-dance sequence in the popular 1977 Bollywood movie, Hum Kisise Kam Nehi. There, a lovelorn Tariq sings to his love Tum kya jano, mohabbat kya hain. To make him jealous, Kajal Kiran (his love) sings around Rishi Kapoor, Mil gaya, humko saathi mil gaya, hum ko dekh koi jal gaya, oof oof jalne de! A hurt Tariq looks at her tearfully, the same way as Kirsten Dunce looks at Toby Quagmire. By the way, that song was inspired by the ABBA song, Mama Mia. Gone are the days when Bollywood was inspired by Hollywood. Today, we believe in mutual give and take. From nuclear energy to film concepts, India and America are sharing everything between them.”

K.R.: “How enlightening!”

(Suddenly, a man in Spiderman costume enters the studio. He is carrying a spittoon in his hand and his mouth is red with paan.)

K.R.: “Who the hell are you? Why are you here?”

Spidey: “Hamaar naam Makdi Babua ba! Hum tohar tetua dabaane aaya hoon!”

K.R.: “Unmask yourself, stranger! Tell us who you are!”

(Spidey takes off his mask and shows his paan-stained teeth as he grins at the camera)

K.R.: “By jove! That’s our Bhojpuri hero, Rabi Kissan!”

Rabi Kissan (R.K.): “Jai Raam ji ki! Raam raam, Same ji! Raam raam, Toby Bhaiyya! Raam raam, Bhauji!” (All return their greetings)

K.R. “Same, you probably know that Rabi has dubbed for Spiderman in the Bhojpuri version of your film. What do you think about it?”

S.R.: “He’s good! We spotted him in Big Boss, where he used to cry a lot. We thought he would be the ideal person to dub for Spiderman, since our hero is a cry baby too!”

K.R.: “Rabi, you have such an interesting name. Could you explain the meaning of your name to our audience?”

R.K.: “With pleasure! During the entire Rabi season, I farm for films in Bihar, where I am an icon. I spend the Kharif season in air-conditioned sets, shooting for Big Boss. That’s why Rabi Kissan!”

K.R.: “Oh, how interesting!”

(Camera focuses on Khudawand Raam and Same Raimi)

K.R.: “Well, we are in the dying minutes of our show. Let us talk about your next venture, which happens to be Spiderman 4. Who are going to be the lead actors?”

S.R.: “Oh, yes! I can very well assure you the success of my forthcoming venture, Spiderman 4. Peter Parker will be played by the evergreen Hollywood hunk, Richard Gora; Mary Jane will be played by the alluring Bollywood beauty, Shilpa Shitty. They share an amazing chemistry! With their recent sensational kiss in India, they evoked romance and passion in the hearts of millions. I am sure they will give their magic touch (or kiss) to the Spiderman series!”

K.R.: “Are you trying to say that you are doing away with Quagmire and Dunce?”

S.R.: “No, no! They will be there! But they will play father and mother to Parker Jr. (Gora) and M.J Jr. (Shitty).”

K.R.: “I didn’t get it. Don’t you think Quagmire and Dunce are too young to play mummy and daddy to old Shilpa Shitty, and even older Richard Gora?”

S.R.: “Do you think Cezanne Khan (Anurag Basu) and Shweta Tiwari (Prerna) are old enough to parent Jennifer Winget (Sneha)? But it’s so cool! It sells in India, it will sell in America!”

K.R.: “But what about the story? How is it going to be like?”

S.R.: “Actually, Peter Parker and Mary Jane will marry different people. M.J will marry an Indian guy and have a daughter (Shilpa Shitty). It will be Parker Jr. and M.J. Jr. who will marry each other and consummate the unrequited love-story of their parents.”

K.R.: “Oh my God! Do you mean to say that Bollywood-ization of Hollywood is complete?”

S.R.: “Yup!”

K.R.: “All right! Thank you very much, friends, for joining us on this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand. Please watch Spiderman 3 to see Bollywood triumph over Hollywood. Aaj ke liye itna hi “kaafi” hain! Khuda Hafiz!”


Copyright warning: This article as well as the other posts are property of Kitsch Magazine (where I work, of course). Do not use them without prior permission of the writer and the company (Twenty Onwards Media Pvt. Ltd. New Delhi)

Love Is In The Air

“Fuck you!”—I cried out.

“What?! How dare you! You will not use such objectionable language in my presence! Learn some manners, Raam!”—Supreah retorted back.

Girlfriends….! They can be so difficult at times. God alone knows (does he?) what goes inside the female mind. My girl makes faces every time I use an expletive. And I guess it is true to every Indian woman (I have seen in a few movies that some foreign women also hate men who abuse). It drives me crazy when my girl tries to curb the male natural instinct to swear and abuse. Come on, she should learn to accept that it is the masculine way of life. But hey, I also love her a lot. So, whenever she gets angry, I have to run after her, trying to manao her. Today also, it is my turn to play lovey-dovey to my girl.

“Baby, when I used the F-word, I just wanted you to understand that I want to make love to you. It is such a wonderful day today!”

“That is just not the way to say that to a girl, even if she is your girlfriend.”

“But it is not a bad word, you know. Do you know what FUCK means?”

“Hmmmph….go ahead.”

“See, in medieval England, stringent rules were prevalent. A man and a woman could enter into a sexual relationship only when they wanted a baby. So, whenever a couple decided to have a baby, they had to seek permission from the King. The King used to issue a royal decree, which the couple used to hang from the door while they did the act inside. With time, the acronym FUCK came out, which meant “Fornication Under the Consent of King”.

“Really? I didn’t know that! Wow! I know it is tough to argue with you but I think today you have put your foot in your mouth. As you said FUCK is associated with baby-making, explain the logic behind using that word in our case.”

“I have strong logic, honey. It was an outright proposal for you to think about having a baby with me.”

“A baby? Are you crazy? We are not even married!”

“Dumbo! That was also a marriage proposal!”

“Huh? Is that a way to propose to a girl?”

“You don’t want me to do ambush marketing while proposing to you, right?”

“Ambush marketing? Now where did that come from?”

“Remember the Salman Khan-Revathi starrer film, Love? It was a box-office disaster, but it had a song titled We are made for each other, where different brands were advertised in a random manner. Old Spice, Colgate tooth paste, Nivea cream etc. were some of the brands that featured in that song. That is called ambush marketing. That was the way Salman proposed to Revathi. You want me to do that?”

“Pooh! You smart guy! Do you know how much you irritate me? I feel like banging you sometimes!”

“You are always welcome to bang me in bed! He! He!”

“Very funny! No babies before marriage.”

“I know! I don’t want my child to be called son-of-a-gun”

“What’s that?”

“An illegitimate child is often referred to as son-of-a-gun. The sea-faring English used to take “pleasure women” with them when they were out on long voyages. Very often, a woman used to get pregnant; and when the delivery date came closer, she was sent to gun-powder room, where she could deliver the child, without any interference. From that emerged the phrase, son-of-a-gun. It is an expletive, by the way.”

“Oh shit! When will you stop using expletives?”

“You just used one yourself!”

“I did? Oh shit!”

“Again! But don’t worry, it is not offensive. “Shit” is actually an abbreviation for “Ship High in Transit”. In the olden days, dung manure used to be carried on ships. When the manure dried up, it would emit methane gas that would flare up after coming in contact with the sun-light. Subsequently, the dung was stocked high up in the mast of the ship so that it remained moist. The call for “Ship High in Transit” became synonymous with dung manure. Eventually, it came to be used in its popular connotation.”

“Ok! See, I always use the good expletives. I am good and you are bad!”

“I am?”

“Yes! But I love you that way. You are my baddie buddy!”

“Oh! I love you too! If you are not angry anymore, can we just go and have Britannia Little Hearts? ” (Ambush marketing...he!he!he!)

“Yup!”

“Do you know its punchline?”

“What?”

“Its Love is in the air.”

“Now you will tell me the etymology, right?”

“Wrong! I will tell you that next time! Let’s go now.”