Happy Anniversary!

Most married men dread this word, ‘anniversary’. The reason: this word alone has the power to empty their pockets, sometimes even their year’s savings. From expensive sarees to chic jewellery to sometimes expensive holidays, a man has to bear it all for the sake of just one word—anniversary.

Husbands are not born, but made, most often by overwhelming circumstances. Some are a result of an awkward commitment given at a weak moment, some result from wry faces made by aggressive mothers and girl-friends. The moment he ties the knot, the spectre of anniversary starts haunting him. For the rest of his life, he has to live with this dread. The moment one anniversary gets over the exhausted husband is bombarded with plans for the next anniversary. And the husband gets sucked into this quagmire from where he can never come out.

Let us take a look at a few husbands from the past who succumbed to the anniversary demands of their fanciful wives.

Adam—he existed when a moneyed economy was not in practice. That’s why he couldn’t even buy Eve anything on their anniversary. Ultimately, Eve went ahead and stole the fruit that her husband couldn’t buy her. The result—mankind would be thrown out of the Garden of Eden, to face the hardships of life. The same Eden Garden would produce another troubled husband many thousands years later, Sourav Ganguly.

Lord Rama—he is one man who has inspired generations of Indian men with his strict morals and bravery. But did he have a demanding wife? Oh yes, he did! While they were in Dandakaranya, Sita once saw a golden deer. Very much like a cabaret dancer of Bollywood films, the deer enticed Sita so much that she demanded that the deer be hers. Going by their financial condition, Rama knew that he can’t afford such an expensive anniversary gift, so he tried to reason with his wife, albeit in vain. Finally, Lord Rama went out to fetch the deer and the rest is history. One anniversary gift made him fight an entire war with Lanka. History has never known another instance when a gift resulted in such a huge scale destruction.

Mark Anthony—he was the trusted general of the Roman Emperor, Augustus Caesar. But he had an aggressive and equally demanding wife in the person of Cleopatra. She demanded Rome as her anniversary gift. The hapless Mark Anthony agreed. The result: Mark Anthony killed himself and Cleopatra got her final kiss from a poisonous asp.

Shah Jahan—this man had a tasteful wife. And she demanded that even after her death, the Emperor should remember her and make an expensive mausoleum in her memory. Shah Jahan spent twenty years making it. And it turned out to be a gift that would bleed the Mughal treasury white. Till today, poor husbands spend their hard-earned money to take their wives to the monument of love, the Taj Mahal.

The Crocodile of Panchatantra—if you have forgotten then he was the gullible chap who had a monkey friend who used to give him sweet berries to eat everyday. The uxorious Mr. Crocodile would take some for his wife too. On their anniversary, Mrs. Crocodile demanded that she be brought the heart of the monkey, which must have turned sweet due to the regular eating of the berries. And you know what happened after that.

Saahil Hemant Virani—he had a nagging woman for his wife, Tripty. He was a poor man who couldn’t even buy her kachoris on their anniversary. He almost sank into never-ending depression when his first wife, Ganga came back, with her riches. Once again, Saahil could afford anniversaries.

Sourav Ganguly—the Prince of Kolkata was the terror of many a bowler in his heyday. Women would swoon whenever he stepped out to lift a spinner to the stands. But a veteran of many anniversaries now, he looks like a tired husband on field, waiting for his next pay-cheque.

From the above discussion, we have found out how anniversaries can ruin a man’s peace of mind. But still, there is more to a marriage than just anniversaries. Aggressive mothers-in-law, timid fathers-in-law, and parasitic relations are the other problems to contend with. So, if your worst enemy is living under the aforementioned conditions, perhaps you could just throw a smile and wish him on his very special day, a very Happy Anniversary!

Open Letter to Ashutosh Gowariker on Jodhaa Akbar

Janaab Ashutosh Gowariker Sahab,

Adaab arz hai! Congratulations for making another epic, money-grossing presentation with Jodhaa Akbar! It seems your long wait after the box office disaster, Swades, has proved to be fruitful. Even your enemies would agree that your style is unique, for you have the audacity to blatantly commit factual errors of all sorts. And you are absolutely in no mood to change your approach, are you? Jodhaa Akbar is perhaps your way of showing the finger to your history teacher in school who always reprimanded you in public for getting your facts wrong (I guess). Apart from soulful music and one song sequence that looks like a Boogie Woogie style dance contest (Azeem o shan shahenshah), Jodhaa Akbar looks like one very long (almost four hours), flashy ad film. Kudos to you for successfully frustrating the hopes of history buffs like me, who expected for once that you can handle a period film with élan!

There were quite a few things in the movie that startled me. Firstly, Akbar has been shown as a fair-skinned, lanky figure; history says he was quite dark, of middle height and of robust build. But your idea behind it was brilliant (I guess). Your Akbar is a metro-sexual man who uses fairness cream to woo beautiful Rajput girls. Secondly, Akbar goes topless in a particular scene as he does a Bruce Lee act with a sword in hand, while a voyeuristic Jodhaa ogles at him from a corner. In an age when even men were fully clothed, Akbar doing a Salman Khan act was a tad surprising. What was more surprising was Jodhaa Bai ogling at her husband, as the zenana (women’s apartments) was always separate from the akhada (military practice ground).

But at the same time, I liked the way you exploited male sexuality to register a ‘first’ in Bollywood. While Akbar went topless, his brother-in-law, Sharifuddin Hussain, almost did a Full Monty. And while in the theatre, I could hear a lot of suppressed feminine hoots around me. You deserve all praise for having thought about the grossly ignored Indian female audience.

Another thing that I liked about your movie was the heavy influence of K-serials. Maham Anga poisons Akbar’s mind about Jodhaa having an affair with a paraya mard: and the Emperor of India tearfully bids adieu to his wife and sends her back to her maayka, only to get her back after the pangs of separation became unbearable. I loved the way Hamida Bano (Akbar’s mother) blew the cover on the scheming Maham Anga (a la Tulsi Virani of Kyunki...you know what), thereby rescuing the couple from singing boring songs of heartbreak, and the viewers from having to bear them.

The sword fight sequence between Akbar and Jodhaa was amazing! It was heavily inspired by a similar sequence from The Mask of Zorro, between Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones. I hope it actually happened that way in 16^th century India; duelling was otherwise quite popular in Europe.

I also loved the way Sujamal (Jodhaa’s brother) tries to make it back to the Mughal camp like a true prodigal son, but Sharifuddin’s men shoot him down. He somehow makes it to deliver that ultimate tear-jerking performance that falls flat on the audience. And just like the cops in Hindi cinema, Jodhaa enters the scene after the action gets over but manages to give a few tearful parting shots.

Overall, I believe Jodhaa Akbar is a good movie. People have watched this movie and liked it because of the amazing onscreen chemistry that Hrithik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai share. So, what if it is factually incorrect here and there? After all, this is a country that has always refused to learn lessons from history. The numerous romantic engravings on historical monuments in India bear testimony to the fact that people here are more concerned about love than history. With Jodhaa  Akbar, you have proved that point indubitably. 

I am eagerly waiting for your next movie venture. It should be on politics, as I feel it is one subject that everyone in India likes to talk about but is not bothered by it. You can take ample liberties with the subject then also.

Best regards,

Lord Mani (a disgruntled movie fanatic)