Satte Pe Satte: Redefined

Yes, I am talking about the hit movie of the ‘80s, starring Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Amjad Khan, Sachin, Ranjita and a host of other actors. This movie was entirely based on an old Hollywood classic, Seven Wives for Seven Brothers. Surprisingly, the Hollywood original had more songs than the Bollywood version of the film. I thought about modifying the story, some of the songs and dialogues of this movie.

Scene I—when Amitabh and his brothers go to abduct their girlfriends

Instead of Amitabh and the guys, it is Hema Malini who goes to get the girls, after she comes to know that the boys love them, but do not have the courage to express their love. She gives a revolutionary speech on women’s liberation, and how living together is the birthright of every Indian woman. She succeeds in convincing them to move in with the guys. It is Hema Malini who brings the girls into the house. All the men sulk and complain to Hema Malini that their privacy has been breached. Instead, they are driven to one corner of the house, and the rest of the house becomes some sort of a Mahila Morcha.

Scene II—when everyone sings the title song

Instead of making the Satte Pe Satta song a fun one, we make it one of brand endorsements and betting in cricket. “Gucci pe Gucci ho, ya satte pe satta (betting), gaur se dekha jaaye to bas hain patte pe patta (game of cards), koi farak nehi albatross (sea food brand), koi farak nehi albatross”. Amjad Khan owns a cricket betting ring, and does not like this publicity song. He, therefore, decides to take action.

Scene III— when Amitabh goes to meet Amjad Khan

Instead of offering alcohol to Amitabh, Amjad Khan offers him water. Amjad Khan is a clever businessman and does not like wasting resources over fools like Amitabh. Amitabh is a diabetic and does not like to drink water. Still, out of courtesy, he drinks several glasses of water. Every time he has a glass, he tells Amjad Khan, “paani peene se susu aata hain”. After having drinking so much water, he feels the urge to pee, and rushes to the toilet. Amjad Khan locks him from outside and thus, Amitabh is captured.

Scene IV—when Babu replaces Ravi in the household and tries to kill Ranjeeta

Instead of using a dagger, Babu carries with him a tape of K-serials by Ekktaa Kapoor. He locks Ranjeeta in the TV room and plays the tape. Ranjeeta cannot bear the visual torture, and in desperation, runs out of the room: only to realise later that she could walk again! She profoundly thanks Ekktaa Kapoor for making her do it by hugging and kissing the tape, while Babu sulks and swears on Ekktaa from a distance.

Scene V—when Babu and Ravi meet

They realise that they are brothers separated in the Kumbha Mela. Hence they make a vow that they will be together always and share everything between them. Thus, when the movie ends, it is difficult to find out who Hema Malini’s husband is and who is Ranjeeta’s. Both of them deliver the ending dialogue together: “Hum do hamare do (pati)”.

Cricket in 2019

From our sports desk:

The whole of India is burning effigies of Indian cricketers after the team failed to qualify for the World Cup 2019 to be held in Papua New Guinea. In a close match against Afghanistan, the Indian team was bundled out for a mere twenty-three runs. Chasing Afghanistan’s score of twenty-nine runs, the Indian team required thirty-runs from fifty overs with ten wickets in hand. Before the start of the Indian innings, the commentators predicted that 2019 is the thirtieth year of Sachin Tendulkar’s cricketing career, and that the target of thirty is auspicious. Pundits even speculated that India will finally lift the cup this year. The nation’s hopes have been shattered with this defeat.

When we spoke to the Indian coach, Virender Sehwag, he said that he is not happy at the way media has hyped it. He said that losing is also a part of the game. When we asked him how he feels about these routine defeats that the Indian team is facing for the last many years, he replied, “ab to aadat si hain mujhko aise jeene mein”.

What was noteworthy in this match was the tussle on the field between father and son, Sachin and Arjun Tendulkar. Both ended up throwing away their wickets, a fact that contributed to India’s shameful defeat. Rahul Dravid, the coach of Bangladesh, said in a press conference that it is high time Sachin retires from cricket and captaincy and makes way for his son to become the captain. Sachin retorted back by saying that when all his former team-mates have retired from cricket, he is still in a good nick and is the captain of his team. The Grand Old man of Indian cricket, Kapil Dev, backed the Indian captain by saying that even after his two cataract surgeries and a persistent problem of arthritis, Sachin Tendulkar is leading Team India as an old (and tired) war horse.

We spoke to Sourav Ganguly a.k.a Lord Snooty, the coach of the England team about the current crisis in the Indian team. He feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field.

Former cricketer, model and failed Bollywood actor turned film producer, Yuvraj Singh, said that he is upset with the way boys are playing. Speaking about Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s latest world record for the maximum number of consecutive ducks in one-day internationals (20), Yuvraj Singh said that he (Dhoni) should seriously think about moving ahead of Brylcreem ads and making a foray into Bollywood.

We spoke to the former Indian cricketer and manager of Team India, Ravi Shastri about the future of Indian cricket. Now known as Sri Sri Ravi “Sahasra Stree” Maharaj, this cricketer turned spiritual Guru said that the Indian cricketers need to be taught the art of seduction. He gave his own example how in the ‘80s he had affairs with a lot of women and how that improved his cricket.

The BCCI led by President Rahul Gandhi has now called for an emergency meeting to decide the future course of action. Team India will be represented by Coach Virender Sehwag and Captain Sachin Tendulkar. Rahul Gandhi stated in a press release earlier that the BCCI is planning to employ experts from the Javed Miandad School of Cricketing Thought to teach the cricketers some aggression.

In another development, Pakistan defeated Ireland in a close match, thereby qualifying for the 2019 World Cup. With this victory, Pakistan has avenged their 2007 defeat at the hands of the then minnows Ireland. We spoke to the then captain of Pakistan and present coach, Inzamam ul Haq about this victory. He said: “The boys plays very well. They try hard. Inshallah we lifts the World Cup.”

**Inspired by an Internet joke**

Date with Time: Interview with Aurangzeb Alamgir

As I checked my watch, it was quarter past three in the afternoon. “Have I arrived before time?”—I asked the Ahadi soldier standing next to me. He said I was lucky to be allowed entrance to the Diwan-i-Khas, before court time. He stared at my watch for a long time, and asked me what kind of zevar that was. He was rather surprised when I told him that it was a timepiece. I, being a man from the future, had become an object of curiosity in the medieval city of Delhi. Everyone seemed to be interested in meeting the desi babu in angrez clothes, a man who spoke fluent Hindustani and English, and who also carried a bunch of karamati goods with which he did magic. The other day, I was mobbed when I went to Paranthewali Gali at Chandni Chowk. Everyone wanted to touch me and talk to me. I was saved by His Majesty’s personal bodyguards, the Ahadis, when they took me away with them. Ever since then, Mirza Raja Jai Singh, the Emperor’s most trusted officer, has barred me from going out of the Red Fort alone. Actually, I haven’t seen much of the Mirza ever since I taught him to play ‘Solitaire’ card game on my laptop.

I patiently waited for the Emperor to come down for the interview. I was told by the Mir Bakshi (the paymaster of the Empire) that His Exalted Highness is offering the namaz-i-maghrib (the namaz of Maghrib) and would arrive shortly. I looked around the place. It was grander than I had imagined. The most decorative tapestries adorned the walls of the Hall of Private Audience (Diwan-i-Khas). The ceiling was done in gold, with diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds giving it a lustrous look. On the right hand corner of the wall, was inscribed in Persian, Amir Khusraw’s famous couplet, “gar firdaus bar ru-i-zameen ast, hamin ast o hamin ast o hamin ast” (if there is a paradise on earth, it is this, it is this, none but this). In the centre of the room, was placed the legendary Takht-i-Taus (Peacock Throne).

At this point, Mirza Raja Jai Singh entered. We had a brief chat. The Emperor wanted him to be present during the interview. We were alerted by the court crier, announcing the arrival of the Emperor. “Ba adab ba mulhaiza hoshiyaar! Sultan ibn-i-Sultan, Shahenshah-i-Hindustan, Chiragh-i-nasl-i-Timur, Huzoor Gulnoor, Fakhr-i-Baburi, Jalal-i-Akbari, Zill-i-Illahi, Hazrat Abul Muzaffar Muhiuddin Muhammad Aurangzeb Alamgir Bahadur Badshah Ghazi, Darbar-i-Mughalia mein raunaq afroz ho rahe hain! (“Attention everyone: Sultan son of Sultan, Emperor of Hindustan, torchbearer of the dynasty of Timur, Lord of the land, Pride of Babur, Majesty of Akbar, Shadow of the God on Earth, Lord Abul Muzaffar Muhiuddin Muhammad Aurangzeb Alamgir, the brave Emperor and slayer of infidels, by God’s grace, is making his exalted presence in the court”)

Everyone in the court bowed as His Majesty entered the court and ascended the throne. He looked at me and beckoned me to come in front of him. I trembled inside for a moment: I was standing in front of the most powerful man in the world in the seventeenth century. Although I come from a democratic society, yet being in his court, I was at the mercy of Lord Alamgir.

“Huzoor ka iqbal bulund ho” (May the sun shine upon His Exalted Highness)—I did sijdah (bowing) before him. “Tashreef rakhiye”—he asked me to sit down.

“Sire, if you would permit me, I would like to record our conversation on tape. It is important.” He did not properly understand what I meant and gave me a confused look. I took out the I-pod and placed it between us. He stared at the object for a while. “In the name of Imam Zamin, please tell what this object is.” I told him that it is a recorder cum player and has many features. I turned it on and recorded His Majesty’s voice and played it back to him. “Subhan Allah! Subhan Allah! This is Allah’s magic!”—he cried out in utter amazement…so did everyone else present. The Emperor ordered Sharbat-i-Azam to be brought in. Sipping the delicious drink, I put my first question to His Majesty.

“Sire, ours is a lifestyle magazine, so my first question will be on your lifestyle. How do you think your lifestyle is different from your predecessors and contemporaries?”

“I don’t see any fundamental difference. Our circumstances influence our lifestyle. We Emperors are busy people. Right now, we are in the midst of troubled times. The Marathas under Shivaji are creating trouble in the Deccan, while the Ahoms and the Koches in the eastern frontier are becoming rebellious. I cannot have a pompous lifestyle when the Empire is in trouble. I think my contemporaries elsewhere are having a less troubled life. They are living a life of luxury, I must say.”

“Your Majesty, people say that you do not have a sense of fashion, that you lead an austere life. What do you have to say about that?”

“I think people are correct here! I am not a very fashionable man. I am a soldier and a faqir at the same time. I do not like heavy clothes, although I do wear ceremonial attires whenever the occasion arises. Otherwise, I prefer Muslin clothes. I specially get them from Dhaka.” The Emperor seemed to be a simple man; but he did have a good taste. He is of average height and has a lighter frame, and I guess, would look good in any dress. He has bright, intelligent eyes, and looks at everyone intently: a fact that sends shivers down the spines of many a battle-hardened soldier. They say Alamgir is invincible in battle.

“Your Majesty, you have recently discontinued the practice of jharokha darshan, which your predecessors had started and followed zealously. Your critics are of the view that you have done this, as you think it is a Hindu practice and you hate Hindus. Your comments please.”

“I haven’t discontinued the jharokha darshan because of any religious reason. The reason is purely political. I had to fight a bloody war of succession with my brothers even when Ala Hazrat (Shah Jahan) was alive. He was unwell and could not come for jharokha darshan, a fact that created suspicion in the minds of our noble subjects that Badshah Salamat was dead. I would not want my children to follow the same path.”

“I see. But Sire, many of your rivals are of the view that you have a terrible hatred for Hindus and do not allow Hindu officers in your government to occupy important offices. Is this true?”

“I certainly do not agree with this view. An Emperor could be a Hindu or a Muslim in his private life; but when he ascends the throne, his riyaya (subjects) becomes his children. You should know that 33% of our officers are Hindus. None of my predecessors had so many non-Muslims in the bureaucracy.”

“Sire, you have recently imposed jaziya tax on your non-Muslim subjects. There is large-scale discontent in your empire because of this. Why are you trying to reverse the policies of your predecessors? Don’t you think this will destroy the fine fabric of the Mughal Empire?”

“I have imposed jaziya on my non-Muslim subjects on economic grounds. When I came to power, I found the treasury almost empty. Ala Hazrat had spent a lot of money in architectural works. Besides, the Balkh-Badakshan campaign, and the Kandahar campaigns during Ala Hazrat’s reign consumed a lot of our resources. Without imposing taxes upon my subjects, I could not really have run the administration of this country effectively for a long time. Besides, jizya has been imposed only on the non-Muslim able-bodied men who refuse state service. It is not collected from women, children, old men and people with disabilities. The Mughal state collects compulsory zakat, ushr, sadaqah, fitrah and khum from its Muslim subjects, which are much higher than jizya. They are not collected from non-Muslims. My subjects do not have a problem with that. All these rumours are being spread by the Marathas and other dissenters.”

The Emperor’s answer made me fumble for a moment. I have always read in history books that Aurangzeb was a monster who tortured Hindus and made them pay jaziya. What the Emperor said gave an entirely different picture. I looked towards Mirza Jai Singh for confirmation…and he gave me a look of approval. I continued with our conversation.

“Zill-i-Illahi, why did you keep Emperor Shah Jahan under house-arrest for eight years?”

“Circumstances forced me to do it. Ala Hazrat had arranged for my assassination by Turkish slave girls. He never legitimised my claim on the throne and wanted Dara Bhai to succeed him. He went in for a series of intrigues against me. I had no other option but to put him under house arrest. I wish he had accepted me. I would have had no need to kill Dara Bhai then.”

The conversation had become too political and I realised that the Emperor might lose interest in it soon. I decided to change the track of the conversation.

“Sire, tell us something about your love life. You had an arranged marriage with Dilras Bano Begum. How have been your relations with her?”

“Dilras Bano has been a dutiful wife. She is a Safavid princess and has all the princess-like qualities. She is the mother of two of my favourite sons, Mirza Akbar and Muhammad Azam. I have good relations with her.”

“But Sire, I have heard that you had fallen deeply in love with a Hindu lady named Hira Bai Zainabadi. Could you tell us something about it?”

“I think it is all too personal. Can we talk about something else?”—the Emperor looked uncomfortable.

History says that Aurangzeb fell hopelessly in love with Hira Bai Zainabadi. She was a trained musician and the Emperor used to spend long hours listening to her music. She, however, died young and left the Emperor heart-broken. This left a deep wound in his heart that never healed, for the Emperor shunned music from his life forever.

“Alampanah, let me rephrase it. It is said that you have banned music in your empire because you are a bigot. Do you think Hira Bai’s death has anything to do with it?”

“This is rubbish! I have banned music only in my court. That is because my courtiers spend a lot of time drinking and watching courtesans/musicians perform. That is why I have banned it in my court. However, I have also raised the mansabs and salaries of my court musicians for not playing music. Some of my subjects have misread it. I have not imposed any restrictions on them. And let me tell you, this has nothing to do with Hira Bai.”

“But Sire, you yourself are an accomplished veena player. Why such an aversion to music then?”

“It is a matter of personal choice. I would not like to comment more on this.”

“All right, Sire. Let us talk about your conflict with the Marathas under Shivaji. Why is the Emperor of Hindustan fighting unnecessarily with such a small kingdom? Does it suit His Majesty’s standard”?

“The Maratha problem is not a small problem as you think. I personally admire Shivaji. He is a great warrior and general. He has scope for improvement, though. And that can only happen if he accepts Mughal service. He is trying to imitate Mughal customs, but has not been very successful with it. I am willing to give him a high mansab if he should accept state service. We already have Marathas serving in the imperial army. If he (Shivaji) joins us, both the imperial government and Maharashtra will benefit.”

“All right, Your Majesty. What do you think of the young generation?”

“I do not have a high opinion about the young generation. My own sons are slackers of the highest order. Now, look at Azam. He is the Subahdar of Bengal, but spends most of his summer time in Kashmir. The youngsters today do not like to obey their parents. Allah save this country!”

At that time, the bell of public justice rang, which meant that it was the time for the Emperor to leave for the Diwan-i-Aam to hear petitions. This meant that my interview was almost over. Still, I managed to chip in one final question. I asked him for his vision of Hindustan’s future.

“By the grace of Allah, the compassionate and the merciful, Hindustan would become the most powerful mulk under the benign rule of the Mughal Government. The sun will never set on the Mughal Empire.”

As I retired to the time machine, the taste of the sharbat still lingered on. On any day, it would score over the Pepsis and Cokes of my time. It was a memorable experience talking to the last great name of the House of Timur. “This will make a great story”—I murmured to myself. But just when I pressed the ignition button, I suddenly realised that I forgot to collect my laptop from Mirza Jai Singh. This forgetful nature of mine would land me on dire straits someday. Now, I will have to go back in time to get it. But it won’t be too much of a loss, though. I am sure after this story, my boss would gift me one! I am going back to my time…the 21^st century India.

Controversy over Islam

The following are two posts that came as a response to an article on Amitabh Bachchan on our office blog. The first post here is a comment by a person named Shahid Jalal from Pakistan. I have lifted it ditto from our blog and pasted it here. He has invited Amitabh Bachchan to accept Islam. Read on to know what he is up to.

The second post was my response to his comment. I have replied as Shahryar Khan, a journalist from New Delhi, India. Have fun reading it!

Invitation towards Islam
to Amitab Bachan.

Sir,
I am going to invite you to religion Islam.
i think in this world every one is realize that what is his distination where will he go. do little think bit that how is the day converted to night and night to day.
sun is rising in the morning and then get down in the evening. think about Amrish poori who was yesterday with you but today he is not available where go his wealth his respect what is his Anjam.my English is not very well that's why i would like to type in Hindi prounciation.
Agar App Molve Tariq Jamil jo Pakistani hay uski taqareer wali CD's Sunlay apko buhut information ajagee.

Sir, Is Dunyia ko bananay wala koi hay app jo is bagwan ki Ibadat karthay ho ap is kay baray may sochay key Ieh bechara to matti ka bana howa aik putla hai ye kiya karsakayga.
Plz khafa mat hona.

laiken aik din aiga jo kayamat ka din hoga ur wo din 50000 years key barabar hoga aur wo hesab kitab ka din hoga. os din suraj zamin say aik mile key distance per hoga.
aur sab insaniat jo start say lay key kayamat tak Aingay sab zinda hojaingay. aur sab log apnay Pasinay may dubay hongay. yeh main apnay app say nahi bolta balkay yeh to Mera Rab Allah Apnay Akhri kitab Quran majeed may farmatha hay.
es juti Izzat aur shuhrat per duka mat kao yeh teray marnay ki sat khatam hojaingey fiker agar karni hay to mot keh bad jo zindagi hay os key baray mai socho.
wo buhut sakht din hoga laiken jo is dunya may Allah ko razi karingay wo os din Allah keh Arsh key nichay hongay. Aur Allah keh Mehman Hongay.
App Zara Dr. Zakir Naik ko bhi study karay.
app ko kis nay banay kio banay kia maqsad hay zara socha.

Allah App ko Musalman honay ke Hidayat day.

Shahid Jalal

Shahid miyaan, Assalaam o Alaikum! Islam aur Hinduism, in dono mazhabon ke baare mein jo aapki raai hain, woh qabil-e-tareef hain! Mashallah, kya roshan khayalat hain aap kay! Nacheez ki yeh raai hain ki aap apne falsafe, aawaaz-e-buland mein Radio Karachi ke zariye bayaan karein!

Ae mere roshan dimaagh dost, koi bhi insaan chaahe Hindu ya Mussalman, agar aap ke roshan khayalat ke rubaru aa jaaye to maare hasi ke mar jaaye. Amitabh Bachchan sahib ko aap Mussalman kyun banana chaahte hain? Woh jaise hain, shukr-i-Allah, durust hain. Mussalman ka matlab bhi jaante hain aap? Mussalman sirf Islam qabool karne se nehi banta; Mussalman wohi hota hain jiska imaan mussallam hota hain. Mere khayal se Bachchan sahib ek aise shaqs hain jinka imaan mussallam hain!

Doosri baat, kisi bhi mazhab ko neechi nigaahon se dekhna Islam ke khilaaf hain! Allah ke Rasool ne yehi sikhaya tha sabko. Aap shayad abhi tak Islam ko samajh hi nehi paaye hain!

Aakhir mein aap se ek guzaarish karna chahunga. Apna mazaak banane se pehle soch lijiyega ki aap kya kehne jaa rahe hain.

Allah aapko insaaniyat se nawaaze!

Fi Amanillah! Allah Hafiz!

Shahryar Khan

An Affair To Remember

At a time when moral policing brigades have almost threatened the freedom of speech and expression in India, Baba Films & Sounds have made a commendable effort to raise the banner of revolt against censorship. I got acquainted with these crusaders when I chanced upon one of their offerings, a compilation of old South Indian porn movies dubbed into Hindi. I was buying some DVDs from a popular video shop when the owner offered me a free sample of their hard work. He rather surprised me (pleasantly, of course!) when he said that if I returned it after watching it, he would give me “better” stock. Their modus operandi is brilliant! The DVD doesn’t carry any label, and that makes it difficult to know what exactly it contains. But the moment you play it, you are introduced to a fascinating world of half-naked pot-bellied men and butt-naked, top-heavy women with Dara Singh thighs and Sachin Tendulkar shoulders. The collection has four movies, aptly named Bol Gori Bol, Jungle Mein Mastiyan, Kamuk Kunwari Ladkiyan, and Manchala Masti Mein-I.

If you are yet to watch this mind-blowing collection then you are surely missing something! After all, in which porn movie will you have to wait for twenty-eight minutes to see the first flashes of exposed skin? In which porn movie will you see a full Bollywood-style song and dance sequence? Where will you find over-weight couples making out with closed eyes, trying to recreate the magic that bound Dhritarashtra and Gandhari together ages ago? Where else will you find actors flaunting their under-garments along with their over-grown asses? It happens only in India! We have the God-bestowed quality to make an ordinary porn film look like an extended Iodex ad (with all the random “Ooh! Aah! Ouch!”). Watching Indi-porn is fun!

All throughout, I had violent fits of laughter. Sample this: “Shanti, jhuke bina koi kaam nehi kar sakti”—an old lady taunting the maid-servant for exposing too much to her horny husband. Try another one: a blind man expresses his desire to have mangoes to a damsel. The lady, out of pity for the wretched creature says to herself: “ab iss mausam mein aam kahan se laaoon? Aisa karti hoon, yehi chooswa leti hoon” (“how do I get mangoes in this season? I think I should make him enjoy my natural mangoes”). What follows is a heart-rending scene where the hapless guy innocently sucks on what he believes to be mangoes. I was moved to tears while going through the scene. Such blatant portrayal of ignorance (oops! innocence) was simply brilliant! Who can do it better but us, the innovative Indians? Shame on those Westerners who think Indians can’t “do it” on tape! In fact, we do it better than anybody else, for we have produced one-sixth of humanity in our bed-rooms with our riotous, close-eyed love-making ways. Indi-porn glorifies our concept that love is blind!

I must say that the compilers have done a commendable job in bringing out the collection in the market. I should also compliment the makers of the original, non-dubbed versions of the movies. They deserve a standing ovation, for they managed to get Censor Board certificates, when mainstream movies like Water and Fire failed to get one, although they had little or no nudity. But I guess it was the creative content of the porn movies that won the Censor Board over. The banality of films like Water and Fire are too well-known.

Check out these movie collections at a local shop near you, if you want to know how we Indians transform the art of love-making to a bout of Sumo wrestling. This is a notable fact given that ours is the land where the Kamasutra was written. Watching this collection will definitely be an affair to remember for you!

Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy

Wannabe Page 3 reporter Khudawand Raam sneaked into an important event in the city recently. It was the mahurat of the most talked about yet-to-be-released film in recent times—Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy. The concept of the film has already generated so much public interest that the mahurat was thronged by a plethora of politicians, journalists and nurses. Our reporter was intrigued by the presence of the nurses, for this fraternity is hardly represented in other media events. Without much ado, the scribe was able to get all the answers to his questions (almost all).

This film has been produced by the Nurses’ Union of India. One of their union leaders, Joylakshmi by name, has written the script as well as played the lead role in the film. Directed by a politician named Raunak-chori Chori (who plays the male protagonist), this movie promises to be an entertaining thriller, as it will draw elements from Malayalam porn films, song-dance sequences from Bollywood blockbusters, and suspense and action from Hollywood thrillers. (Click here for the details of the movie)

All was going well until the start of the press conference. The heroine told the press that ever since the movie was shot, she is getting threatening calls from the hero for the distribution rights of the film. She said she will not part with the rights over her film since it’s her baby. Two months’ back, she had contemplated suicide because she failed to find distributors who would buy her tale. She said that her modesty was violated when they refused to believe that the movie poster that she had designed was authentic and not trick photography. She has now approached the State Women's Commission for justice, but is sceptical about receiving the same. She also said that Raunak-chori Chori has been forcing her to marry him against her wishes. She was on the verge of tears when she demanded sexual freedom, the freedom to screw any man she liked without getting entangled in the wedding web. It was an emotional scene, for almost everyone in the audience was moved to the point of tears. After gulping down her emotions, Joylakshmi finally said: “I will release a CD soon to establish my relationship with Raunak-chori Chori”. The whole atmosphere reverberated with the slogans of “Jai Joylakshmi”, raised by the nurses and other feminists. The hero, Raunak-chori Chori, was not available for comment. This was because the State Women’s Commission (his PR?) strongly advised him not to talk to the press.

The reporter asked some of the dignitaries present in the event about how they felt about the movie. Hush Chopra, the owner of Hush Hush Productions had this to say: “This is a landmark event. We are all waiting eagerly for the CD to be released. We are fed up of monotonous porn movies; this movie promises excitement and entertainment at the same time. We are trying to negotiate with Joylakshmi for broadcasting rights of the movie.”

Adnan Semi, the semi-singer cum semi-actor cum semi-pianist, was very pleased with the poster idea. “This is an inspiring movie! This will give all those fat and ugly people out there a new ray of hope…that even they can have rocking sex, and that it only takes two grotesque pairs of lips to deliver that sensational kiss! One of my support staff has downloaded the movie poster and set it as desktop wall-paper. Every day we worship Joylakshmi and draw strength from her example. Jai Joylakshmi!”

Everyone in the audience went ga-ga over the poster and the story. Our scribe has therefore, decided to attach a “moist-watch” tag on this movie. Watch out for Mera Coat Bhi Sexy, Tera Petticoat Bhi Sexy in a theatre near you!

Bugular Vein: with Bug Suraiya

I spent months in the UP political arena, accessing secret government papers, and memos and letters exchanged between political leaders. The following report is based on an internet chat transcript I managed to get hold off. It is between Malign Singh Yadav, the erstwhile Chief Minister of Unruly Pradesh (UP), Kumari Mewawati, the present CM of UP, Hammer Singh, strong man of SP and Reject Sharma, the owner of India TV, via Yahoo! Messenger. It might appear scandalous. It actually is.

The chat transcripts can be found below.

its_malign.singh: i m shockd 2 c dat report on ur channel. u hv actualy blackend d image of our party. will nt tk dis litely. plz b prepared 4 action. :-X

rjct_sharma_niceguy: u hv bin calld as da “man who squandrd 2 mch public money”. dey say dat you wasted a lot of money in xpensiv political campaigns. u also removd well-meaning bureaucrats 4m imprtnt depts & replacd dem with Yadavs. During ur tenure, goondaraj prevailed in UP. wat do u hv 2 say abt dat?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: malign singh ji???

rjct_sharma_niceguy: mantriji? u there???

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Buzz!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Abbe e… offline ho gaya kya, ya Mr. India ban baitha hain? Lal chasma lagaoon kya baba!

its_malign.singh: m here…m here…gt dc…u knw net is slow in up.. :-P

rjct_sharma_niceguy: ur UP u mean! wat did u do in da last 5 yrs if derz no net in lucknow?

its_malign.singh: sharma ji it is vry un4tunate dat u shd thnk lyk dat of me. UP ws perfectly safe in my tym. dere wer no goondas, only a disciplinary army of my suporters who cdnt tolerate nuisance. My job hs alwys bin 2 protect my state & ppl 4m harm. Remmber i ws da Raksha Mantri 1ce? & da bureaucrats, dey wer under-per4min officers brot in by da previus Mewawati regim. i brot in mor efficient Yadav officrs. wats d big dil? al dis nonsense hs bin spred by d opposition. Its a ploy 2 malign meee. LL

rjct_sharma_niceguy: xcus me, bt opposition? i thot u r d opposition nw. :-O

its_malign.singh: watevr! regarding our pol campains, v only highlited da progres made by UP in da last 5 yrs. Hammer Singh ji personally handld da campains. & plzzz dnt play around with meee. i know hw u al made up da Aman Verma casting couch story. da details cn b made public thru sum oder news channel, if u dnt mend ur ways. :-X

rjct_sharma_niceguy: v also hv details abt da cases of corruption dat u hv indulged in. 2 giv u a hint of wat v knw, v knw da connection betwn Nora Yadav (ur 4mer Chief Secretary), da Noida Land Scam, & u. dese cn jeopardise ur career, since u r out of power. da details cn b leaked out 2 Mewawati ji. :-P

its_malign.singh: dear reject sa’ab…he he he! :-D :-D… i ws joking :-D :-D

its_malign.singh: m wiling 2 invest in ur channel. wat say! J J

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Oye chuk de phatte!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: lol JJJ

hammer_boy is now online

rjct_sharma_niceguy: hammer singh ji is online…let’s hv a conference chat…

its_malign.singh: badhiya! plzzz invite him…

hammer_boy has joined the conference

its_malign.singh: aao bhai! hw r u?

hammer_boy: namaste reject ji! namaste malign bhai! kya haalchal?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: namaste! hwz evrythn goin? v wer tlkn bout ya…J

hammer_boy: really??? wow!!! wat ws it bout?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: well…cud u shed more lite on da pol campains?

hammer_boy: J was a perfect campaign! v roped in Amitabh Bachchan 2 campain 4 us… he ws soooo co-operative! he did it free of cost 4 us. hez lyk a bro 2 me!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: Ae chal e shaane…hawa aane de…

hammer_boy: :-X wat ws dat reject ji? u think m lyin?

rjct_sharma_niceguy: not really… bt i hv heard dat u did it jst 2 consol Amit ji, who ws sad 4 havin lost da “Hot-seat” 2 Shahrukh Khan, along with da money. & i hv learnt dat Amit ji will reciprocate by givin u a role in a film, since u wnt hv nething 2 do bt face nquiries, nw dat u r outta pwr. plzzz nliten us on dis…

its_malign.singh: Audible: arre yahin to dhokha kha gaya India…

its_malign.singh: i hd askd hammer bhai 2 giv amit ji d Allahabad seat…bt bhai dint listen 2 meeee….LLL

hammer_boy: dts bulshit! tis Mewawati’s chaal…shez a @!&*#!…shez spredin bad wrds abt me…:-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon is now online

rjct_sharma_niceguy: ok…Mewawati ji is nw online…lets hear it 4m her…m inviting her 2…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon has joined the conference

rjct_sharma_niceguy: namaste behenji! hw u doin?

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: namaste reject ji! m fine…who els is here?

hammer_boy: Audible: aankhen hai ki batatein...dikhta nahin kya?

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: ohho…malign singh ji & hammer singh ji r also here… :-O…wat r u ppl doin @ dis hour? pakaoing khichdi against me? >:) >:)

rjct_sharma_niceguy: no behenji…v r discusin sum serious issues…hammer singh ji is upset with u…he thnks u r spredin bad wrds against him…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: Audible: Hai Daiyya..bas bhi karo..log kya kahenge!

its_malign.singh: dts not funny…:-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: sorry…bt i ws only tryin 2 mk thngs lite…y wud i spred bad wrds abt hammer singh ji? he hs bin hidin in Mumbai, at amit ji’s plc evr since he lst d election…

hammer_boy: m nt hidin…i hv cum dwn 2 bless abhi-ash after der wedding…

rjct_sharma_niceguy: & hez waitin @ Pratiksha..amit ji’s plc…4 a cal 4m cbi…:-D:-D

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wat is mobile number, karoo kya dial number…hi hi hi..:-D

rjct_sharma_niceguy: :-D :-D

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: hi hi hi…reject ji…did u c hammer singh ji’s dance on Close-up Antakshari? he cn put 2 shame ne belly-dancer in town…he ws lukin sexy…hi hi hi…:-D

hammer_boy: enuf! i knw hw u won d election dis tym…

its_malign.singh: yea…u did booth-capturin…n bribed election commission officers…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: grw up guys…i made brahmins n dalits vote 4 me…a feat dt even da great Currency Raam ji, my guru, cdnt achieve…da kurmis also suportd me…i hv gt absolute majority, mind it…

its_malign.singh: n u made Boney Prasad Verma, defect 4m my party…u split da kurmi votes…i wl kill u! :-X

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i dint do dat…twas To-hell Gandhi…

hammer_boy: wat?! dat launda? he tlkd abt his family splittin pakistan…he split our vote-bank…i hate him!

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i nvr sed i lyk him! bt i lyk his mom…shez soooo sweeeet!

hammer_boy: u mean dts y u neva married? >:) >:)

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: shut up! dnt 4get dt i m da CM nw…i wl screw up ur lives…i hv seen hw u ppl destroyd govt. papers wen d election results came…n i wl c 2 it dt d noida-ghaziabad DM/SSP posting case cums bk 2 headlines again…jst bcoz of me, buses r running betwn Delhi n UP again…

rjct_sharma_niceguy: enuf ppl! Plzzzz…plzzzzzzzzz stop fighting….behenji, wt r ur plans nw? u r CM nw…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wl fix up malign’s n hammer’s asses…& wl mk brahmins & dalits eat 4m da same platter…>:) >:)

rjct_sharma_niceguy: oh! den i wl neva go 2 UP…behenji…plz hv sum respct 4 religious n communal sentiments of ppl…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: wt do u thnk only malign singh, Cologne Singh and Rosenut Singh hv da rite 2 play da communal harmonium? i wl play it 2!!!!!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: bt behenji, dnt 4get dt da Taj Corridor case is stil pending…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: dnt wry…dis tym i wl sel da Taj! Lord Curzon tried 2 do it at da strt of 20^th century…mewawati wl do it in da 21^st century…

its_malign.singh: dt wl neva happen…Taj is a property of da wakf board…v wl stage dharnas n walkouts in d assembly if u do dt…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: i wl throw my slippers @ u if u do dt…

hammer_boy: jst try dt 1ce & u wl c wt v wl do…u wnt hv al da mewa alone…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: u shitty ppl! wat do u thnk of urslvs?

its_malign.singh: hold ur tongue, @!&*#!

!

rjct_sharma_niceguy: Audible: arre dil pe mat le yaar…

kunwarihoon_2mharihoon: shut up reject! I wl reject al ur tenders 4 tv coverage of events in UP…..

rjct_sharma_niceguy: who d @!&*#! do u think u r…

The rest of the transcript couldn’t be provided as the conversation wanders off to wanton profanities from here. Nevertheless, you al knw nw dt UP elections hv bin real nasty…God help UP…God Save The Queen!

An Officer and a Gentleman: Heart to heart with a Soldier

“Can you turn that thing off?”—the young officer requests…rather insists.

My mind flies back in time. “Ay! Light bandh karo!”—an ominous voice starts ringing in my ears.

It was the early nineties. Trouble in the North-eastern state of Assam was blown out of proportion with the large-scale deployment of the Indian Army in order to carry out counter-insurgency operations. What followed was a decade-long saga of encounters, ambushes and wild manhunts under operations Bajrang, Rhino and Sher-dil. Collateral damage was more than expected: a fact that tarnished the image of the army among the local populace. The army came to be looked upon with fear and anger. Yet, there was a young generation that was old enough to be awed by the Kalashnikov wielding Men in Green, but too young to understand the politics behind them.

It was during those years of turmoil that the incident that I vividly remember, happened. We were on our way to another town. The night was dark. Suddenly we were stopped by a posse of army-men. One of them approached our car, and in a hoarse tone, told my father to switch off the head-lights. There were other vehicles too, ahead of us. We all were stranded on the highway. After an agonising wait of more than half an hour, we heard staccato bursts at a distance. It went on for around fifteen minutes. After that, everything was silent. After another hour, we were told to move ahead.

I recently heard of a young army officer from Assam who is posted in the Kashmir valley. I don’t know that many young men of my age from my state joining the Indian Army. Many youngsters like me are of the view that the army offers you a life of hardships and perpetual danger. Intrigued, I decided to meet him.

His persona did not fit the image of an army officer that was there in my mind. To me, an army officer has always been a giant-looking man with a hoarse voice and handlebar moustache. This guy was clean shaven, youthful in his conduct, and looked good in casuals. He seemed all pepped up to talk about his life; but the moment I took out the Dictaphone, he became extra conscious. Someone had said a long time back that a soldier finds courage if he sees an enemy with a gun, but loses it if he sees someone with a microphone. He looked around the place. He looked uncomfortable. Normally, guys behave like that when they go out on their first date. But this guy is no ordinary guy—he is a commissioned officer in the Indian Army. And it was no date either; it was a rendezvous with a wannabe journalist who was himself looking for his fifteen minutes of fame.

Why do people join the army? For thrill?

“I never looked for a job. I was after a life that I always wanted. After some heart-searching, I realised that it was the army that could give me that. Today, I can say that I am content with my life. Army is not a profession for me; it is a way of life.”

People of the Northeast have outgrown the pain and anger of the past. Many are swelling the ranks of the armed forces in great numbers now. Same is the story in the Kashmir valley.

“This is my first posting in the valley, and for the first time I am getting to spend my time with my men in a “field” situation. I am getting to see what the Indian Army is doing in the valley. Life in the valley is not as bad as you think. It’s exciting! It does get frustrating at times, as you are totally cut-off from your family and friends. Still, the valley is a beautiful place. Had it not been for the army, I don’t know if I would have ever got a chance to be in Kashmir.”

As we ordered food, I remembered a scene from the movie Border (released a decade ago) where Akshaye Khanna trembles at the thought of killing someone.

“It will be Karma and Dharma for me. I am not a trigger-happy person, so I wouldn’t like to kill someone just for the heck of it. But if it is required, I will do that. It’s a part of my profession. But I am yet to see real action.”—he continued to stare at the recorder while answering.

When I was young, I was fascinated by the armed forces. All those Commando comics are still stacked up in my study. As I grew up, the interest waned, maybe because I was not comfortable with the idea of leading a hard life. In my time, ambushes and encounters were common in the Northeast. Many a times, youngsters like me saw the corpses of dead soldiers and civilians smeared in blood. But what disturbed me most was the thought of losing some friend in some encounter.

“I did lose a friend. He was my immediate junior in the IMA and a Gentleman Cadet. He died in a grenade explosion during a training session. His name was Bir Tiwari. It was in the news, you must have heard about it. It came to me like a rude shock. I haven’t been able to accept his death till today. You get such kind of a bonding only in the army.”

My parents used to make faces whenever I used to talk about joining the army. It takes you away from your family, they would say.

“Of course, I miss my family. I don’t get to talk to them often, as the connectivity in the valley is very poor. The Govt. of India is not doing anything to provide better connectivity there. But I am moving out of the Counter Insurgency (CI) area into the LOC (Line of Control). I am going to get a satellite phone there with which I can constantly be in touch with my family.”

Meanwhile, food was served on our table. The aroma of kadhai chicken delighted us! I remembered my first date. But we had butter chicken. Those days were fun! I believe you learn a lot about life from your relationships.

“Oh…I am single as of now. My first relationship happened during my college days at Fergussons, Pune. It ended within a year. The second relationship didn’t work out and resulted in a mutually-agreed-upon break-up. The only good thing about it is that we still are good friends” I could make out from his words that he has always been a practical, down-to-earth guy. God cast him in the army mould, I think to myself. But I want to know about his dream woman.

“Well, she has to be pretty…very pretty…smart…presentable…you could say a head-turner”

“If you are given a choice between Katrina Kaif and Sushmita Sen, whom will you choose?”

“Katrina!” I wanted to know if Katrina’s Kashmiri origin had anything to do with his choice.

“No, man! I also like Priyanka Chopra, but she was not on your list!"—he tried to fox me, with a smile. Just then, two attractive women entered the restaurant. I wanted to know if they fell in the category of “head-turning” women.

“Certainly! And I would love to marry a woman like them!”—he was chivalrous in his reply.

As I chomped on the juice-filled chicken, my mind was filled with random thoughts. I decided to put them into words. I asked the young officer to allow me my indulgences.

“Your favourite movie in recent times?”

“Spiderman 3.”

“The worst movie you have seen of late?”

“Spiderman 3! It’s the only movie I have seen recently so my choice is limited.”

“Your favourite drink?”

“Beer”.

“Are you a party animal?”

“Oh yes, I am very much a party animal. The Rang De Basanti types: guzzling beer and taking pangas with the police.”

“Your favourite band (s)?”

“Nirvana and Cranberries.”

“Favourite song?”

“Come as you are”

“Your passions?”

“Babes and bikes. I just love Tom Cruise’s bike in Top Gun”

“Are you cynical about life?”

“Not at all! I am a very positive person. In fact, I am so positive that I am already hoping that those two women over there (pointing towards a table) will go out with me for a dance.”—we both laughed as he answered.

“So, how are your relations with your men?”—I asked him while savouring at the food.

“Fantastic! My immediate senior is like a brother to me. He even gave me his ATM card to use when I was coming down to Delhi. You don’t get to see that everyday, do you? I feel privileged to be in the army. We believe in the concept that respect is earned, not demanded. My men are important to me. Without them, I am no leader.”

Your leadership qualities are put to test in the army. Good leaders are those, it is said, who follow the orders of their seniors unquestionably, and make their juniors follow theirs without a fuss. I never wanted somebody else to “programme” my thoughts—one of the many reasons why I never joined the army.

“Nothing like that. My job as an army-man is to issue orders to my subordinates, and follow orders of my superiors. Following orders is a must in the army. We are bound by oath. We are not supposed to think over orders.”—he looked away from me, at a particular table to our right, where two young girls were sipping coke.

“But what if you are asked to do something by your senior that your conscience is totally against? What if you are asked to kill someone you don’t want to kill? What if you are asked to open fire at an unarmed crowd? Will you use your judgement then?”—my question was like a “booby-trap” for him.

“Well, sometimes you have to rely on the judgement of your superiors. Our army is very humane. We are professional soldiers, not killing machines. But we are also fallible people. We are prone to committing mistakes. I think it will be only fair if you think about us for all the good that we stand for, rather than for the mistakes that we have made.”—it was more of an appeal than a reply. But this time, he was looking straight into my eyes.

They say that army life is full of hardships. You feel that the grass is greener on the other side.

“I would have loved to draw a higher pay, going by the work we do.”

“Would you like to serve in a war theatre like Iraq?”

“I will not volunteer. We army-men are peace-loving people. But if my unit is given marching orders, I will go anywhere, even Timbuktu.”

On my way back, the handsome face of the young officer kept on floating in my mind. And the ominous voice of the army-man I encountered many years ago, kept on ringing in my ears. After a while, it faded away…

Copyright warning: This article as well as the other posts are property of Kitsch Magazine (where I work, of course). Do not use them without prior permission of the writer and the company (Twenty Onwards Media Pvt. Ltd. New Delhi)