Cricket in 2019

From our sports desk:

The whole of India is burning effigies of Indian cricketers after the team failed to qualify for the World Cup 2019 to be held in Papua New Guinea. In a close match against Afghanistan, the Indian team was bundled out for a mere twenty-three runs. Chasing Afghanistan’s score of twenty-nine runs, the Indian team required thirty-runs from fifty overs with ten wickets in hand. Before the start of the Indian innings, the commentators predicted that 2019 is the thirtieth year of Sachin Tendulkar’s cricketing career, and that the target of thirty is auspicious. Pundits even speculated that India will finally lift the cup this year. The nation’s hopes have been shattered with this defeat.

When we spoke to the Indian coach, Virender Sehwag, he said that he is not happy at the way media has hyped it. He said that losing is also a part of the game. When we asked him how he feels about these routine defeats that the Indian team is facing for the last many years, he replied, “ab to aadat si hain mujhko aise jeene mein”.

What was noteworthy in this match was the tussle on the field between father and son, Sachin and Arjun Tendulkar. Both ended up throwing away their wickets, a fact that contributed to India’s shameful defeat. Rahul Dravid, the coach of Bangladesh, said in a press conference that it is high time Sachin retires from cricket and captaincy and makes way for his son to become the captain. Sachin retorted back by saying that when all his former team-mates have retired from cricket, he is still in a good nick and is the captain of his team. The Grand Old man of Indian cricket, Kapil Dev, backed the Indian captain by saying that even after his two cataract surgeries and a persistent problem of arthritis, Sachin Tendulkar is leading Team India as an old (and tired) war horse.

We spoke to Sourav Ganguly a.k.a Lord Snooty, the coach of the England team about the current crisis in the Indian team. He feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field.

Former cricketer, model and failed Bollywood actor turned film producer, Yuvraj Singh, said that he is upset with the way boys are playing. Speaking about Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s latest world record for the maximum number of consecutive ducks in one-day internationals (20), Yuvraj Singh said that he (Dhoni) should seriously think about moving ahead of Brylcreem ads and making a foray into Bollywood.

We spoke to the former Indian cricketer and manager of Team India, Ravi Shastri about the future of Indian cricket. Now known as Sri Sri Ravi “Sahasra Stree” Maharaj, this cricketer turned spiritual Guru said that the Indian cricketers need to be taught the art of seduction. He gave his own example how in the ‘80s he had affairs with a lot of women and how that improved his cricket.

The BCCI led by President Rahul Gandhi has now called for an emergency meeting to decide the future course of action. Team India will be represented by Coach Virender Sehwag and Captain Sachin Tendulkar. Rahul Gandhi stated in a press release earlier that the BCCI is planning to employ experts from the Javed Miandad School of Cricketing Thought to teach the cricketers some aggression.

In another development, Pakistan defeated Ireland in a close match, thereby qualifying for the 2019 World Cup. With this victory, Pakistan has avenged their 2007 defeat at the hands of the then minnows Ireland. We spoke to the then captain of Pakistan and present coach, Inzamam ul Haq about this victory. He said: “The boys plays very well. They try hard. Inshallah we lifts the World Cup.”

**Inspired by an Internet joke**