What are the advantages of travelling by a city bus? You get to see and learn a lot about life. Day to day life. You cannot really imagine what newer things your mundane life offers you every day. You also get an insight into the life of a common man, if you are attentive.
The other day I was on my way to the office when I overheard an “interesting” conversation between two guys sitting behind me. One of them said to his friend in Hindi: “Yaar, kal maine Nisha ki bajaa di…” (“I screwed Nisha”) “What! Our receptionist Nisha? Yaar, how did you do it?”—the other guy was all excited. Honouring his friend’s request, our macho guy started relating his (s)experience to his friend. I was curious to know who this ‘Sex God’ was, so I turned back. By jove! It was none other than “the guy who screwed too much”, Honey Baruah!
Honey Baruah was born in a well-to-do family in Tinsukia (in Upper Assam). Being the only son of his parents, Honey received excess love and affection. His father christened him as ‘Honey’, for he was such a sweet and lovable child! Honey was sent to a vernacular medium school at the age of five. He proved his mettle in studies. In his +2 exam, he got such high marks that he won a scholarship. His parents thought it was the right time to send their son to Delhi for further studies. Honey didn’t want to go, as he was a typical ‘Mama’s Boy’. Nevertheless, all his protests fell into deaf ears; Honey Baruah was packed off to Delhi.
He joined a prestigious college in Delhi where English was the lingua franca. Honey boy, however, was not very comfortable with the language. So, when he was ragged in college, Honey had a tough time handling it. One of his seniors asked him a naughty question: “are you a virgin?” Confused, Honey replied: “No, I am Brahmin!” In the hostel Honey had a tougher time dealing with his roomies cum (tor)mentors, Akashdeep Hazarika and Abhay Gujjar. These ruffians taught him all sorts of verbal abuses apart from giving him important lessons on self-abuse.
Slowly, Honey became used to all that. His mentors one day told him that he could have a real-like (s)experience in a crowded city bus, if he was willing to experiment. Honey was only too willing to try it. As planned, Abhay and Honey took a crowded bus, and Abhay showed him how to stand behind women and rub his nether region on the posterior of a girl. This was too exciting an opportunity to miss! Honey tried the frottage act successfully that day on three lady passengers. Honey Baruah became Horny Baruah!
He soon became a rub-a-dub expert in buses, until one day when desire almost turned into disaster. He was doing his frottage act with a girl when suddenly the girl poked him with a safety pin (mean woman!). Honey winced in pain! Luckily, his horny junior was saved from injury, for the pin only bruised his thigh. Nevertheless, he had learnt a lesson, and decided to leave his favourite sport on a temporary basis.
But our guy was still not a man—he was yet to sleep with a woman. Honey Baruah could not properly communicate in English, and so he was always tongue-tied when it came to talking to girls. This frustrated him quite a lot. Almost everyday he used to spend a long time in the loo, crying over his “self-employed” status.
Honey had a classmate named Debrina Ao. A practising Christian, this God-fearing Naga girl liked Honey. She also understood what made Honey feel so uncomfortable in feminine presence (somehow a woman has this weird power of understanding the needs of the man she likes/loves.). Debrina offered to give him lessons in English. Soon, the guy who used to introduce himself as, “I is Haani Baruah”, was smart enough to say, “That’s a fucking hot babe” when he saw a good-looking girl.
Meanwhile, Honey’s roomies kept on giving him good counsel about how to screw a girl. They told him that the way to a girl’s twat is through her heart. They also egged him on to (s)experiment with Debrina. “You farthead! What the f*** do you think you are doing? Screw that hottie! You don’t have to worry about anything: such hot chicks don’t really mind. Enjoy her and dump her ass”—Abhay Gujjar had an “amazing” knowledge about women! “And I am your friend so give me a share of the kill. Even I have desires…”—Akashdeep was another “thurki” (Hindi slang for a sex-maniac).
Honey impressed Debrina with his honeyed talk. He was able to strum the strings of her heart, but she didn’t know that our horny guy was only looking for a “no strings attached” relationship with her. One fine day, they both hit the couch, and Honey Baruah became a man! This continued for about two months. When he was fed up, he dumped her. Debrina had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide twice, but failed. She soon left the college and went into oblivion.
Horny boy’s newly found confidence showed up in his dressing sense also. He started wearing his jeans below the waist, flashing his Jockey underwear (the next best thing to naked). His eyes used to amorously talk to girls: “Hey hot stuff! There is “hard” reality beneath my fly!” But there were other contenders too. There were many guys in the campus who applied this method. This battle of the Bulge was difficult to win (the Allied victory at the Battle of the Bulge during WWII was comparatively easier.). The Young Thurks…err…excuse me…the Young Turks in college vied with one another for the best babes.
Nevertheless, Honey did attract a few girls. One of them was Swapnali Bhattacharya. She became interested in him. On their third date itself, Honey made a pass at her that totally blew her fuse. She was a small-town girl and couldn’t really identify with uptown concepts like sleeping with your boyfriend even before knowing him. She avoided him for a week, but couldn’t really ward him off. He kept on stalking her until one day, at the end of her tether, Swapnali gave him a smack on his face in full public view. She also threatened him with dire consequences if he tried to mess up with her again.
The slap toned him down for sometime. He decided to concentrate in his studies and not think about women again. But for how long? As they say, “penis is mightier than the pen”—so, it was time to be horny again!
Priyanka was the next victim. He made her pregnant once (he liked doing rub-a-dub but hated using rubber), and forced her to abort. A broken woman, she informed her parents about the mishap. They flew down to Delhi and decided to take action against the guy. Meanwhile, Priyanka’s brothers came to Honey’s hostel to fix him in their own way. Our guy somehow saved his arse and went underground. In this hour of crisis, his mentors didn’t leave him in the lurch. Abhay Gujjar came up with a mind-blowing plan to deal with the crisis. Following his advice, Honey called up Priyanka and proposed marriage. As expected, the plan worked. Honey’s life was saved from being screwed up!
Within a year, Priyanka was married off to Honey. “Providence”—her parents heaved a sigh of relief! It would have been very difficult for them to get a good match for their girl, as her character was already “stained” by her wanton act. But God was merciful, for they found such a good match for their girl. “At least the guy was honest”—her mother would often say. But was that the right thing to do? Was Priyanka their daughter or their liability? Did they ever try to find out Honey’s background before committing their daughter to him? Who cares, man! Marriages are made in heaven, they say!
Honey’s marriage opened up a world of opportunities for him. He now had a wife (whom he could screw anytime he liked), and his in-laws’ financial support to set up his own business. Once he had a standing in life, his one-night stands also increased. Life was a honey-cake for him now!
The bus’ sudden halt brought me back to the present. A lot of people came on board at Wazirpur Depot. Our Horny Boy (now a Man) rose from his seat, made his way into the thick of the crowd, and stood behind a girl. He was getting ready for a warm-up session, while the radio was on full volume, playing the Red FM 93.5 theme song, “Bajaate Raho” (no wonder that song made him horny!). I realised that Honey Baruah had lost his soul; his morality had died a long time back. R.I.P. (Rust in Piss) Honey Baruah.
The other day I was on my way to the office when I overheard an “interesting” conversation between two guys sitting behind me. One of them said to his friend in Hindi: “Yaar, kal maine Nisha ki bajaa di…” (“I screwed Nisha”) “What! Our receptionist Nisha? Yaar, how did you do it?”—the other guy was all excited. Honouring his friend’s request, our macho guy started relating his (s)experience to his friend. I was curious to know who this ‘Sex God’ was, so I turned back. By jove! It was none other than “the guy who screwed too much”, Honey Baruah!
Honey Baruah was born in a well-to-do family in Tinsukia (in Upper Assam). Being the only son of his parents, Honey received excess love and affection. His father christened him as ‘Honey’, for he was such a sweet and lovable child! Honey was sent to a vernacular medium school at the age of five. He proved his mettle in studies. In his +2 exam, he got such high marks that he won a scholarship. His parents thought it was the right time to send their son to Delhi for further studies. Honey didn’t want to go, as he was a typical ‘Mama’s Boy’. Nevertheless, all his protests fell into deaf ears; Honey Baruah was packed off to Delhi.
He joined a prestigious college in Delhi where English was the lingua franca. Honey boy, however, was not very comfortable with the language. So, when he was ragged in college, Honey had a tough time handling it. One of his seniors asked him a naughty question: “are you a virgin?” Confused, Honey replied: “No, I am Brahmin!” In the hostel Honey had a tougher time dealing with his roomies cum (tor)mentors, Akashdeep Hazarika and Abhay Gujjar. These ruffians taught him all sorts of verbal abuses apart from giving him important lessons on self-abuse.
Slowly, Honey became used to all that. His mentors one day told him that he could have a real-like (s)experience in a crowded city bus, if he was willing to experiment. Honey was only too willing to try it. As planned, Abhay and Honey took a crowded bus, and Abhay showed him how to stand behind women and rub his nether region on the posterior of a girl. This was too exciting an opportunity to miss! Honey tried the frottage act successfully that day on three lady passengers. Honey Baruah became Horny Baruah!
He soon became a rub-a-dub expert in buses, until one day when desire almost turned into disaster. He was doing his frottage act with a girl when suddenly the girl poked him with a safety pin (mean woman!). Honey winced in pain! Luckily, his horny junior was saved from injury, for the pin only bruised his thigh. Nevertheless, he had learnt a lesson, and decided to leave his favourite sport on a temporary basis.
But our guy was still not a man—he was yet to sleep with a woman. Honey Baruah could not properly communicate in English, and so he was always tongue-tied when it came to talking to girls. This frustrated him quite a lot. Almost everyday he used to spend a long time in the loo, crying over his “self-employed” status.
Honey had a classmate named Debrina Ao. A practising Christian, this God-fearing Naga girl liked Honey. She also understood what made Honey feel so uncomfortable in feminine presence (somehow a woman has this weird power of understanding the needs of the man she likes/loves.). Debrina offered to give him lessons in English. Soon, the guy who used to introduce himself as, “I is Haani Baruah”, was smart enough to say, “That’s a fucking hot babe” when he saw a good-looking girl.
Meanwhile, Honey’s roomies kept on giving him good counsel about how to screw a girl. They told him that the way to a girl’s twat is through her heart. They also egged him on to (s)experiment with Debrina. “You farthead! What the f*** do you think you are doing? Screw that hottie! You don’t have to worry about anything: such hot chicks don’t really mind. Enjoy her and dump her ass”—Abhay Gujjar had an “amazing” knowledge about women! “And I am your friend so give me a share of the kill. Even I have desires…”—Akashdeep was another “thurki” (Hindi slang for a sex-maniac).
Honey impressed Debrina with his honeyed talk. He was able to strum the strings of her heart, but she didn’t know that our horny guy was only looking for a “no strings attached” relationship with her. One fine day, they both hit the couch, and Honey Baruah became a man! This continued for about two months. When he was fed up, he dumped her. Debrina had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide twice, but failed. She soon left the college and went into oblivion.
Horny boy’s newly found confidence showed up in his dressing sense also. He started wearing his jeans below the waist, flashing his Jockey underwear (the next best thing to naked). His eyes used to amorously talk to girls: “Hey hot stuff! There is “hard” reality beneath my fly!” But there were other contenders too. There were many guys in the campus who applied this method. This battle of the Bulge was difficult to win (the Allied victory at the Battle of the Bulge during WWII was comparatively easier.). The Young Thurks…err…excuse me…the Young Turks in college vied with one another for the best babes.
Nevertheless, Honey did attract a few girls. One of them was Swapnali Bhattacharya. She became interested in him. On their third date itself, Honey made a pass at her that totally blew her fuse. She was a small-town girl and couldn’t really identify with uptown concepts like sleeping with your boyfriend even before knowing him. She avoided him for a week, but couldn’t really ward him off. He kept on stalking her until one day, at the end of her tether, Swapnali gave him a smack on his face in full public view. She also threatened him with dire consequences if he tried to mess up with her again.
The slap toned him down for sometime. He decided to concentrate in his studies and not think about women again. But for how long? As they say, “penis is mightier than the pen”—so, it was time to be horny again!
Priyanka was the next victim. He made her pregnant once (he liked doing rub-a-dub but hated using rubber), and forced her to abort. A broken woman, she informed her parents about the mishap. They flew down to Delhi and decided to take action against the guy. Meanwhile, Priyanka’s brothers came to Honey’s hostel to fix him in their own way. Our guy somehow saved his arse and went underground. In this hour of crisis, his mentors didn’t leave him in the lurch. Abhay Gujjar came up with a mind-blowing plan to deal with the crisis. Following his advice, Honey called up Priyanka and proposed marriage. As expected, the plan worked. Honey’s life was saved from being screwed up!
Within a year, Priyanka was married off to Honey. “Providence”—her parents heaved a sigh of relief! It would have been very difficult for them to get a good match for their girl, as her character was already “stained” by her wanton act. But God was merciful, for they found such a good match for their girl. “At least the guy was honest”—her mother would often say. But was that the right thing to do? Was Priyanka their daughter or their liability? Did they ever try to find out Honey’s background before committing their daughter to him? Who cares, man! Marriages are made in heaven, they say!
Honey’s marriage opened up a world of opportunities for him. He now had a wife (whom he could screw anytime he liked), and his in-laws’ financial support to set up his own business. Once he had a standing in life, his one-night stands also increased. Life was a honey-cake for him now!
The bus’ sudden halt brought me back to the present. A lot of people came on board at Wazirpur Depot. Our Horny Boy (now a Man) rose from his seat, made his way into the thick of the crowd, and stood behind a girl. He was getting ready for a warm-up session, while the radio was on full volume, playing the Red FM 93.5 theme song, “Bajaate Raho” (no wonder that song made him horny!). I realised that Honey Baruah had lost his soul; his morality had died a long time back. R.I.P. (Rust in Piss) Honey Baruah.
Copyright warning: This story as well as the other posts are property of Kitsch Magazine (where I work, of course). Do not use them without prior permission of the writer and the company (Twenty Onwards Media Pvt. Ltd. New Delhi)
6 comments:
Dad, well i must thank u for making me learn a dignified mannner to talk abt such issues through this review!
and yes ur article is commendable, since u brought this thing in light with such dignity!!!
The review is just perfect, and at the same time it's crisp!
Great going dad; keep it up!!!
Long Live the Emperor!
Nidhi Sharma
student
well this post is not new to me and we have a long conversation over the matter...but the thing is i didnt knw that ur writtings has gt copyright...mmmhhh..
alamgir, i enjoyed ur style of narration.i am enlightened!i.e,for a person who rarely travelled in a bus, (& by bus i mean a volvo).u allow ur readers to visualise the events that u see in the way u want, thats ur success. keep u the spirit.never give up writing.
L.L
I must confess i was laughing all throughout!! a great lesson put in the most humorous manner...I can relate believe me!! I had my share of experiences on buses...honest confession...never took a pin..how sad!! neways, a commendable job again...great going dear...all the best
Thank you all for your comments!
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