Kitsch TV presents, Kaafi With Khudawand, the one and only zero-advertisement show. Here is our host for the evening—Khudawand Raam.
“Hello and welcome to this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand! Today, we have with us the cast and crew of Spiderman 3. So, ladies and gentleman, please welcome Same Raimi, Toby Quagmire and Kirsten Dunce!”
(Guests walk in and take their seats in the casting couch, while Shaky Kapoor looks on at them with a savage grin from backstage.)
Khudawand Raam (KR): “All right! We start with you, Same. Our audience would like to know why you can’t see beyond Spiderman. You have used the same concept thrice in a row. Why so?”
Same Raimi (SR): “Come on! I thought Indians are smart people! My name—Same Raimi—itself suggests that I love using the same things again and again. I don’t believe in use and throw concepts, and that’s why I hate condoms and syringes. Despite their below-average acting skills, I have used the same cast in all of my Spidey movies.”
KR: “Perhaps Quagmire and Dunce could throw some light over it…”
Toby Quagmire (TQ): Yea! Same is right. He also made me wear the same, worn-out Spidey costume from the previous movies. You must have noticed that in all the three movies it gets torn at the same places.”
K.R: “Dunce…?”
Kirsten Dunce (K.D): “Hmmph…o yeah! Like before, he doesn’t allow me to expose my skin. Once in a while I get to show a little bit of cleavage, but that’s all.”
K.R.: “Same old Raimi, huh!”
S.R.: “You bet!”
K.R.: “Ok! Now let’s talk about the script. Why do we see a Bollywood influence in your movie?”
S.R: “Coz we outsourced it to India!”
“What the f***!”—show producer, Jatin Varma, shrieks out in the backstage. He had sponsored Spiderman 3 tickets for his entire team, a few days back.
K.R.: “You outsourced it? Why?”
S.R.: “See, mate, there are two categories of foreigners coming into India—Indophiles and Paedophiles. We belong to the first category. We love your culture, your music and films. Your films like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and Kal Ho Na Ho made the entire American nation cry. Then you have Rang De Basanti, which is being shown in the Australia to induce patriotism in Aussie people. That song Johnny Q from Dil Chahta Hain is still popular there. Of late, we have fallen in love with media baroness, Kicktaa Kapoor. That woman is a genius! She can make her entire crew cry with such effortless ease! That mesmerises us! That’s why we outsourced our script to Vellaji Telefilms.”
“Shit! My coffee…”—Sam Arni, Dy. Editor of Kitsch TV, spills her coffee on her dress, hearing Same Raimi’s Bolly trivia.
K.R.: “Oh I see! How sweet of you! But some of your ardent fans (including me) are of the view that you made this film faute de mieux. You didn’t have enough moolah to finance your project, that’s why you did cost-cutting everywhere. You did not even give Peter Parker a new ring for proposing to Mary Jane. All he got was this old, out-of-shine ring from Aunt May. And you also gave Parker a pathetic place to live. Did you try to portray the conditions of the modern, jobless American when all jobs are being outsourced to Asian countries?”
S.R.: “No man! We love you, Indians! We were following Indian traditions. You pass on your belongings to the succeeding generation in India. We picked up this fascinating trend from your highly popular soap-opera, Kyunki Chaach Bhi Kabhi Dahi Thi...”
K.D.: (Interrupts) “It’s Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi”
S.R.: “O yeah! Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. There, the mothers-in-law pass on their jewellery and a bunch of ugly looking keys to their daughters-in-law.”
K.R.: “How inspiring! I am sure our Indian audiences have understood properly the underlying sentiments of this film.”
(Khudawand turns to face Toby Quagmire)
K.R.: “Toby, tell us why you are stuck with Spiderman. We haven’t seen you in any other film of late. Is your career in a quagmire?”
T.Q.: “Not really, mate. I love playing Spiderman. Man, I am a superhero! I also kissed a hot babe in this movie, apart from Mary Jane.”
K.R.: “Sure you did! By the way, who is that hottie?”
“Aaooh! She is Lolita!”—Shaky Kapoor cries out from backstage.
S.R.: “Now, who is that?”
K.R.: “Oh! He is the chotta sa, pyala sa, nanha sa, baccha of Bollywood, Shaky Kapoor. He is one of the most well-known baddies of Bollywood. Of late, however, he is having a shaky experience with his job, after he got caught up in a “casting couch” quagmire. He wants a job in a Hollywood movie.”
S.R.: “Tell him to meet me after the show gets over. I will need a villain for my next venture, since the Green Goblin episode is now over.”
K.R.: “Shaky, you heard the boss!”
“Aaooh! Aaooh!”—Shaky is pleased!
(Camera angle changes)
K.R.: (To Same Raimi) “Let us talk about some of the flaws in your movie. There is this scene when Spiderman sits on the Church spire, getting drenched in the rain. Next he tries to tear his black suit apart, inside the Church. At that moment, the dejected and jealous colleague of Peter Parker (who becomes the other baddie) enters the Church in broad daylight. What do you have to say about that?”
S.R.: “Well…we were inspired by the K-serials again. Do you remember the scene in one of the episodes of Kyunki Saas...where Karan and Nandini stroll in the garden under a peaceful sky, while Tanya anxiously awaits her husband’s return in the rain? See, these things are common in the industry. Why do you bother?”
K.R.: “Well…and what about Peter Parker’s dance in the bar with the hottie?”
S.R.: “See, we were inspired by a particular song-dance sequence in the popular 1977 Bollywood movie, Hum Kisise Kam Nehi. There, a lovelorn Tariq sings to his love Tum kya jano, mohabbat kya hain. To make him jealous, Kajal Kiran (his love) sings around Rishi Kapoor, Mil gaya, humko saathi mil gaya, hum ko dekh koi jal gaya, oof oof jalne de! A hurt Tariq looks at her tearfully, the same way as Kirsten Dunce looks at Toby Quagmire. By the way, that song was inspired by the ABBA song, Mama Mia. Gone are the days when Bollywood was inspired by Hollywood. Today, we believe in mutual give and take. From nuclear energy to film concepts, India and America are sharing everything between them.”
K.R.: “How enlightening!”
(Suddenly, a man in Spiderman costume enters the studio. He is carrying a spittoon in his hand and his mouth is red with paan.)
K.R.: “Who the hell are you? Why are you here?”
Spidey: “Hamaar naam Makdi Babua ba! Hum tohar tetua dabaane aaya hoon!”
K.R.: “Unmask yourself, stranger! Tell us who you are!”
(Spidey takes off his mask and shows his paan-stained teeth as he grins at the camera)
K.R.: “By jove! That’s our Bhojpuri hero, Rabi Kissan!”
Rabi Kissan (R.K.): “Jai Raam ji ki! Raam raam, Same ji! Raam raam, Toby Bhaiyya! Raam raam, Bhauji!” (All return their greetings)
K.R. “Same, you probably know that Rabi has dubbed for Spiderman in the Bhojpuri version of your film. What do you think about it?”
S.R.: “He’s good! We spotted him in Big Boss, where he used to cry a lot. We thought he would be the ideal person to dub for Spiderman, since our hero is a cry baby too!”
K.R.: “Rabi, you have such an interesting name. Could you explain the meaning of your name to our audience?”
R.K.: “With pleasure! During the entire Rabi season, I farm for films in Bihar, where I am an icon. I spend the Kharif season in air-conditioned sets, shooting for Big Boss. That’s why Rabi Kissan!”
K.R.: “Oh, how interesting!”
(Camera focuses on Khudawand Raam and Same Raimi)
K.R.: “Well, we are in the dying minutes of our show. Let us talk about your next venture, which happens to be Spiderman 4. Who are going to be the lead actors?”
S.R.: “Oh, yes! I can very well assure you the success of my forthcoming venture, Spiderman 4. Peter Parker will be played by the evergreen Hollywood hunk, Richard Gora; Mary Jane will be played by the alluring Bollywood beauty, Shilpa Shitty. They share an amazing chemistry! With their recent sensational kiss in India, they evoked romance and passion in the hearts of millions. I am sure they will give their magic touch (or kiss) to the Spiderman series!”
K.R.: “Are you trying to say that you are doing away with Quagmire and Dunce?”
S.R.: “No, no! They will be there! But they will play father and mother to Parker Jr. (Gora) and M.J Jr. (Shitty).”
K.R.: “I didn’t get it. Don’t you think Quagmire and Dunce are too young to play mummy and daddy to old Shilpa Shitty, and even older Richard Gora?”
S.R.: “Do you think Cezanne Khan (Anurag Basu) and Shweta Tiwari (Prerna) are old enough to parent Jennifer Winget (Sneha)? But it’s so cool! It sells in India, it will sell in America!”
K.R.: “But what about the story? How is it going to be like?”
S.R.: “Actually, Peter Parker and Mary Jane will marry different people. M.J will marry an Indian guy and have a daughter (Shilpa Shitty). It will be Parker Jr. and M.J. Jr. who will marry each other and consummate the unrequited love-story of their parents.”
K.R.: “Oh my God! Do you mean to say that Bollywood-ization of Hollywood is complete?”
S.R.: “Yup!”
K.R.: “All right! Thank you very much, friends, for joining us on this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand. Please watch Spiderman 3 to see Bollywood triumph over Hollywood. Aaj ke liye itna hi “kaafi” hain! Khuda Hafiz!”
Copyright warning: This article as well as the other posts are property of Kitsch Magazine (where I work, of course). Do not use them without prior permission of the writer and the company (Twenty Onwards Media Pvt. Ltd. New Delhi)
“Hello and welcome to this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand! Today, we have with us the cast and crew of Spiderman 3. So, ladies and gentleman, please welcome Same Raimi, Toby Quagmire and Kirsten Dunce!”
(Guests walk in and take their seats in the casting couch, while Shaky Kapoor looks on at them with a savage grin from backstage.)
Khudawand Raam (KR): “All right! We start with you, Same. Our audience would like to know why you can’t see beyond Spiderman. You have used the same concept thrice in a row. Why so?”
Same Raimi (SR): “Come on! I thought Indians are smart people! My name—Same Raimi—itself suggests that I love using the same things again and again. I don’t believe in use and throw concepts, and that’s why I hate condoms and syringes. Despite their below-average acting skills, I have used the same cast in all of my Spidey movies.”
KR: “Perhaps Quagmire and Dunce could throw some light over it…”
Toby Quagmire (TQ): Yea! Same is right. He also made me wear the same, worn-out Spidey costume from the previous movies. You must have noticed that in all the three movies it gets torn at the same places.”
K.R: “Dunce…?”
Kirsten Dunce (K.D): “Hmmph…o yeah! Like before, he doesn’t allow me to expose my skin. Once in a while I get to show a little bit of cleavage, but that’s all.”
K.R.: “Same old Raimi, huh!”
S.R.: “You bet!”
K.R.: “Ok! Now let’s talk about the script. Why do we see a Bollywood influence in your movie?”
S.R: “Coz we outsourced it to India!”
“What the f***!”—show producer, Jatin Varma, shrieks out in the backstage. He had sponsored Spiderman 3 tickets for his entire team, a few days back.
K.R.: “You outsourced it? Why?”
S.R.: “See, mate, there are two categories of foreigners coming into India—Indophiles and Paedophiles. We belong to the first category. We love your culture, your music and films. Your films like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and Kal Ho Na Ho made the entire American nation cry. Then you have Rang De Basanti, which is being shown in the Australia to induce patriotism in Aussie people. That song Johnny Q from Dil Chahta Hain is still popular there. Of late, we have fallen in love with media baroness, Kicktaa Kapoor. That woman is a genius! She can make her entire crew cry with such effortless ease! That mesmerises us! That’s why we outsourced our script to Vellaji Telefilms.”
“Shit! My coffee…”—Sam Arni, Dy. Editor of Kitsch TV, spills her coffee on her dress, hearing Same Raimi’s Bolly trivia.
K.R.: “Oh I see! How sweet of you! But some of your ardent fans (including me) are of the view that you made this film faute de mieux. You didn’t have enough moolah to finance your project, that’s why you did cost-cutting everywhere. You did not even give Peter Parker a new ring for proposing to Mary Jane. All he got was this old, out-of-shine ring from Aunt May. And you also gave Parker a pathetic place to live. Did you try to portray the conditions of the modern, jobless American when all jobs are being outsourced to Asian countries?”
S.R.: “No man! We love you, Indians! We were following Indian traditions. You pass on your belongings to the succeeding generation in India. We picked up this fascinating trend from your highly popular soap-opera, Kyunki Chaach Bhi Kabhi Dahi Thi...”
K.D.: (Interrupts) “It’s Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi”
S.R.: “O yeah! Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. There, the mothers-in-law pass on their jewellery and a bunch of ugly looking keys to their daughters-in-law.”
K.R.: “How inspiring! I am sure our Indian audiences have understood properly the underlying sentiments of this film.”
(Khudawand turns to face Toby Quagmire)
K.R.: “Toby, tell us why you are stuck with Spiderman. We haven’t seen you in any other film of late. Is your career in a quagmire?”
T.Q.: “Not really, mate. I love playing Spiderman. Man, I am a superhero! I also kissed a hot babe in this movie, apart from Mary Jane.”
K.R.: “Sure you did! By the way, who is that hottie?”
“Aaooh! She is Lolita!”—Shaky Kapoor cries out from backstage.
S.R.: “Now, who is that?”
K.R.: “Oh! He is the chotta sa, pyala sa, nanha sa, baccha of Bollywood, Shaky Kapoor. He is one of the most well-known baddies of Bollywood. Of late, however, he is having a shaky experience with his job, after he got caught up in a “casting couch” quagmire. He wants a job in a Hollywood movie.”
S.R.: “Tell him to meet me after the show gets over. I will need a villain for my next venture, since the Green Goblin episode is now over.”
K.R.: “Shaky, you heard the boss!”
“Aaooh! Aaooh!”—Shaky is pleased!
(Camera angle changes)
K.R.: (To Same Raimi) “Let us talk about some of the flaws in your movie. There is this scene when Spiderman sits on the Church spire, getting drenched in the rain. Next he tries to tear his black suit apart, inside the Church. At that moment, the dejected and jealous colleague of Peter Parker (who becomes the other baddie) enters the Church in broad daylight. What do you have to say about that?”
S.R.: “Well…we were inspired by the K-serials again. Do you remember the scene in one of the episodes of Kyunki Saas...where Karan and Nandini stroll in the garden under a peaceful sky, while Tanya anxiously awaits her husband’s return in the rain? See, these things are common in the industry. Why do you bother?”
K.R.: “Well…and what about Peter Parker’s dance in the bar with the hottie?”
S.R.: “See, we were inspired by a particular song-dance sequence in the popular 1977 Bollywood movie, Hum Kisise Kam Nehi. There, a lovelorn Tariq sings to his love Tum kya jano, mohabbat kya hain. To make him jealous, Kajal Kiran (his love) sings around Rishi Kapoor, Mil gaya, humko saathi mil gaya, hum ko dekh koi jal gaya, oof oof jalne de! A hurt Tariq looks at her tearfully, the same way as Kirsten Dunce looks at Toby Quagmire. By the way, that song was inspired by the ABBA song, Mama Mia. Gone are the days when Bollywood was inspired by Hollywood. Today, we believe in mutual give and take. From nuclear energy to film concepts, India and America are sharing everything between them.”
K.R.: “How enlightening!”
(Suddenly, a man in Spiderman costume enters the studio. He is carrying a spittoon in his hand and his mouth is red with paan.)
K.R.: “Who the hell are you? Why are you here?”
Spidey: “Hamaar naam Makdi Babua ba! Hum tohar tetua dabaane aaya hoon!”
K.R.: “Unmask yourself, stranger! Tell us who you are!”
(Spidey takes off his mask and shows his paan-stained teeth as he grins at the camera)
K.R.: “By jove! That’s our Bhojpuri hero, Rabi Kissan!”
Rabi Kissan (R.K.): “Jai Raam ji ki! Raam raam, Same ji! Raam raam, Toby Bhaiyya! Raam raam, Bhauji!” (All return their greetings)
K.R. “Same, you probably know that Rabi has dubbed for Spiderman in the Bhojpuri version of your film. What do you think about it?”
S.R.: “He’s good! We spotted him in Big Boss, where he used to cry a lot. We thought he would be the ideal person to dub for Spiderman, since our hero is a cry baby too!”
K.R.: “Rabi, you have such an interesting name. Could you explain the meaning of your name to our audience?”
R.K.: “With pleasure! During the entire Rabi season, I farm for films in Bihar, where I am an icon. I spend the Kharif season in air-conditioned sets, shooting for Big Boss. That’s why Rabi Kissan!”
K.R.: “Oh, how interesting!”
(Camera focuses on Khudawand Raam and Same Raimi)
K.R.: “Well, we are in the dying minutes of our show. Let us talk about your next venture, which happens to be Spiderman 4. Who are going to be the lead actors?”
S.R.: “Oh, yes! I can very well assure you the success of my forthcoming venture, Spiderman 4. Peter Parker will be played by the evergreen Hollywood hunk, Richard Gora; Mary Jane will be played by the alluring Bollywood beauty, Shilpa Shitty. They share an amazing chemistry! With their recent sensational kiss in India, they evoked romance and passion in the hearts of millions. I am sure they will give their magic touch (or kiss) to the Spiderman series!”
K.R.: “Are you trying to say that you are doing away with Quagmire and Dunce?”
S.R.: “No, no! They will be there! But they will play father and mother to Parker Jr. (Gora) and M.J Jr. (Shitty).”
K.R.: “I didn’t get it. Don’t you think Quagmire and Dunce are too young to play mummy and daddy to old Shilpa Shitty, and even older Richard Gora?”
S.R.: “Do you think Cezanne Khan (Anurag Basu) and Shweta Tiwari (Prerna) are old enough to parent Jennifer Winget (Sneha)? But it’s so cool! It sells in India, it will sell in America!”
K.R.: “But what about the story? How is it going to be like?”
S.R.: “Actually, Peter Parker and Mary Jane will marry different people. M.J will marry an Indian guy and have a daughter (Shilpa Shitty). It will be Parker Jr. and M.J. Jr. who will marry each other and consummate the unrequited love-story of their parents.”
K.R.: “Oh my God! Do you mean to say that Bollywood-ization of Hollywood is complete?”
S.R.: “Yup!”
K.R.: “All right! Thank you very much, friends, for joining us on this special episode of Kaafi With Khudawand. Please watch Spiderman 3 to see Bollywood triumph over Hollywood. Aaj ke liye itna hi “kaafi” hain! Khuda Hafiz!”
Copyright warning: This article as well as the other posts are property of Kitsch Magazine (where I work, of course). Do not use them without prior permission of the writer and the company (Twenty Onwards Media Pvt. Ltd. New Delhi)
11 comments:
awesome....
most hilarious review i've read in recent times....this shud be published in omdb & other mov sites...
KWK ...hmmmm...another mind blowing review....u screwed raimi so well that even he wouldnt notice that he has been screwed...haaah haaah...it was really funny..u know wat!! u can really make something like this fr some channel like Mtv or channel V...it sells dude!! conceptualizing shows is in the market...i lovedit as usual...
another piece of creativity i am still laughing when i am writing this !!
good work keep it up .. and yes like all said u need a bigger platform !!
Be careful Dad! now spidey is gonna haunt u...
well it's a marvellous review !!!
God knows how many microprocessors r installed in ur brain!!!u r loaded to make ppl crazy...
well its hilarious yet sensible!!!
n yes Dad ,it seems u r determined to create a unique genre of ur own!!!
great going Dad! keep it up!
it seems my hunger for humour alloyed wid trivia is growing wid each review of urs...
hey mama, gr8 work again..keep rocking..Mama i am in love with ur daughter Nidhi...[:P]
ur great mama superb review.hats off to u man.
All other comments express my feelings as well.. I donot want to be 'repetitive' in commenting.. :P..
My views are exactly the same as Jita's..
Khuda bhai, the word awesome will be an understatement :-)
superb review..
the way u co-related the two things is amazing..
and the names of characters..hahaha..
funny..review...
keep up the good work...
waiting for ur next post..
u sud start giving reviews on t.v..too good yaar!! cant say more....
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